God is Good

Today my eating was somewhat controlled. I did over eat on diet Jello! I stayed busy and I did not worry if I followed the plan exactly.

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might."

Listening to my YouTube playlist of Christian music helped me keep my momentum today. There were a few low periods. I am still going through boxes from my parent's house. There is so much to shred but in between 30 year old utility bills are pictures, notes, and other items that someone in the family might want. I think that if I can scan a great deal of the documents, notes, and pictures ~ the family members can pick which information or items that they want to print. That is a task that will have to wait. I am mostly sorting through paper work for garbage, filing, or shredding. At least the boxes that are left will be well labeled and organized. I was not overwhelmed as much today. I cried a few times when I found pictures or notes, but that is OK.

Over all I feel tired but encouraged today. God is so good - all the time!

John 4: 10,13-14 ~ Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water. ... Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

I have always loved this passage because so many of the people that Jesus stopped to talk to were broken. He met them by the roadside or under a tree and just began to speak. Everyday settings but unbelievable words of life. The formula for change and eternal life! That we have the gospel to read is a daily feast. I am thankful every day for His word of life. God is good ~ all the time. Psalm 116:5 ~ "How kind the Lord is! How good He is! So merciful, this God of ours!"

Sin's Voices

Sin's Voices

Picking up the pieces of my life and actually trying to eat a healthy  "Diet" has been hard this week. I am changing my whole life!  Cleaning out my pantry today was a numbing experience. Inside I was excited and I kept telling myself that I am committed to this path and I won't stop. But as I went through the process and saw what kind of foods that I was used to putting in my body, my numbness increased. My mind kept shouting, "I can never never break these habits! Other people don't know the real me, no matter how hard they try, they cannot deal with the inner person that so messed up."

 

   I have been down this path before many times. I have signed contracts, paid the weekly fees, registered online, etc. 

How am I going to keep from failing again?   I am going to reach for the only certainty that I have: God Is! Jesus lived, died, and lives again for me! If I am going to make it past these walls of painful memories that are tied to anything having to do with my body ~ I need help! I need help digging through these emotions and robotic responses that keep me marching down the same path, day after day, numbing bite after bite. I must cry out to the Lord for help.

"This is what the LORD says, He who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Jeramiah. 33:2-3

 

Sometimes I feel like David, "I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within."
The words of songs also help me. Isn't it amazing when a song plays on the radio with words that are healing and filled with truth? "Born Again" played on the radio today and spoke to me: "I was lost when You found me here. I was broken beyond repair. Then You came along and You sang Your song over me.....It feels like I'm born again. It feels like I'm living for the very first time in my life.... .Make a promise to me now, reassure my heart somehow that the love I feel is so much more real than anything."  

Will healing come in an instant?  I have learned over the years that it takes time to work through the layers of pain and abuse.
Like burn victims, I scrap away the dead layers so that new layers can heal. There are other aspects to healing from burns that are similar to the emotional and mental healing process: fighting infections, pumping liquids and nutrients into the body, and sometimes scrapping away layers again that are not healing properly. It takes time. Sometimes limbs are lost so that the body can survive. So I try to sooth my spirit with things that have helped my sick soul in the past: music, nature, scriptures, daily activities in the real world. One of those activities is writing. I write these words for myself as a record. I tell myself that each layer that is torn off, brought to light, and soothed is one more step toward healing. I hold on today to the things that I am certain of and I try to be thankful and count the blessings that I have in this moment. When it comes to eating today, I will do my best. I will try to remember that God did not forsake me, even though it felt like it thousands of times when I was being abused. I remind myself that I cannot understand His ways.

I am thankful for the Internet and all the sources of encouragement that are present there.
Lord God, help me to make it through this time of darkness and healing. I have so many memories that I can't remember. I realize that you protected me during those times of abuse by allowing me to "leave" that reality and find a safe place. Now it is time for me to uncover the lost little girl with her scars, her heart full of terror, disbelief, and rage. Help me work through this time of discovery, of redemption. Sometimes I don't want to heal because it hurts so much. Please guide me onto a healthy path. Lord thank you for sending your Son who  was beaten, abused, and killed for my sins. With his love, help me find forgiveness for what I have continued to do to my ugly body. Help me to forgive others and not bottle up the rage and anger ~ until I must stuff the pain back down with food. In Jesus name I plead and lay my burdens at Your throne ~ Amen.
Here is another song from my playlist that helped me today:

1 part Guilt + 1 part Grief

Guilt and Grief

Wednesday night I woke up about 12 times with exhausting dreams about my Dad. One of them went like this: The hospital called saying that I had to get there right away (this had happened many times over the last 6 years). I get in my car in the middle of the night and start driving but I never get there. It begins to rain, the road gets washed out, the detour takes me the opposite direction, and so on... I wake up tired, crying, and feeling guilty because I feel I did not do enough; second guessing my caregiving ability. Grief hits again. Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel guilty! It is true: I am glad that my role as caregiver is over with. That also makes me feel guilty!

My father had live in caregivers and day shift caregivers. I lived only 2 hours away and called 3 to 4 times a day to coordinate schedules, see how he was doing, etc. As I left work every day, the care givers would have him up from his nap and ready to talk to me on the phone. I spent all holidays there and was the main caregiver during those weeks. (Had summer off and spent 2 to 3 months there.)

I know the guilt is all part of the grieving process but is so tiring. I retired right before his massive stroke (disability retirement). God has not given me something that I cannot bear. If I was having to work, I don't know if I could have dealt with his last strokes, the hospice period, his death, and settling his estate.

Stopping the role of an active caregiver is so hard - being responsible for the daily, even hourly needs of someone. Praying as you rush to the hospital becomes part of your life.

An algebra lesson on variables popped into my head this week. Definition of a variable: (1). a quantity that can change or vary, taking on different values (2). a letter or symbol representing a varying quantity. So my daily equation lately has been:

1 part Guilt + 1 part Grief = G2G (Go 2 God)The dreams and feelings that are overwhelming me at times about my father are 1 part guilt + 1 part grief. Part of my guilt is weight related. I would set myself weightoss goals to please my father and then I would fail again and again. I have learned that changing yourself to please someone else does not work. With this blog I hope to study emotions and find out what works and what God's will is for me each day.

During these days of confusion brought on by guilt and grief my prayer is to be drawn closer to God - and my mantra is just to take it one step at a time and to breathe...

Lord God, please help me to know what to do with this overwhelming grief and guilt. You are in control and I cannot deal with all the emotions that are swarming around me. I have taken a path toward healing when it comes to my eating compulsions. Please help me to continue that process. I realize that my healing is not happening in a void - that I must learn to live with my life, the death of my Dad, and my past abuse. Lord take control of all of this today. In my Redeemer's name, I pray. Amen.

Shackles

Shackles

It seems like every where I look, every book I read, every commercial on TV is about home and family. With my father's resent death, I have been crying a great deal. My sister called this evening after nine and got me thinking about family again. I am blessed to have an older sister who is wise and kind. She was one of the only people in my past that really held me. She would sing me to sleep and had the kindest heart. I am thankful for those good memories. As a military child, home was wherever we lived at the moment. I have lived in over 54 different "homes" or apartments, houses, trailers, etc. One scripture came to mind tonight and was helpful:

Psalm 68:6 "God sets the desolate in a homeland, He leads forth prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land." There are so many places in on this earth that have little rain and are in a massive draught. In my healing, it is God who will bring the rain to my scorched heart. In this journey toward health and healing, I must remember that God is the one that will set things right and provide a home for me. The chains of fear and the memories that have held me captive for so long need to be viewed with the light of love and forgiveness. Without God's help and grace, I know that I will be lost in a world of anger and frustration. The hatred builds with every memory uncovered of my abuse - with every hurtful word said about my young body and my weight. These searing words form my body image - an image that I find hard to look at and I have been unable to change for over 50 years. If I am to change at all - I must have help! I have tried to do this on my own. I have tried therapy alone. I need God's Love applied to my daily life to be free of my past, my memories, ~ free from these chains of pain that hold me down and keep me from living and breathing.
Isaiah 42:6,7 "I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open the eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from dungeon those who sit in darkness." This scripture is about Jesus coming and leading all souls from the darkness of sin into the light of forgiveness and freedom.
Jeremiah 31:13 "...women will dance with joy, and the men - old and young - will join in the celebration. I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing."
The song below is one of my favorite songs. With two knees replaced, a hip replacement, a crippled back and a broken femur ~ I haven't walked much in the last few years ~ let alone dance. For right now, I will be happy with my spirit being set free from fears and the chains or shackles of dark memories falling off my spiritual legs so that I can move forward. That is my prayer.
Lord, help me to be free of sin and it's burden on my soul and life. I can't do this on my own because every time I think of my past - I become lost in anger and depression. Bring me into the light of Your salvation through Your Son's sacrifice and gift of love. Lord until the day when I can spend eternity singing Your praise, help me to sing your praise here on earth ~ weightless, free, and unchained. In my Savior's name I pray ~ Amen

Inside Out

Inside Out

It's all about the image, right? Body image is a huge hurdle for me. When I look back at pictures of myself when I was younger, I so am surprised because I was told I was fat all my life. Size 10 is not fat! Now I am size 5X or size 24 to 32 (depending on the fit of the cloths and if I have to sit down or not). Well, a scripture caught my eye late last night:

I Sam 16:7 "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." I have to keep reminding myself of this fact over and over again. If my heart and soul is purified by God's forgiveness, then the rest will follow.

I had lapband surgery on August 30, 2012. My blood pressure meds are in the past! My doctor says that I can start using less insulin and I might be off of it in a couple of weeks. Today is a good day when it comes to eating. When I feel overwhelmed, I try to remember that I am not alone in this quest for healing and becoming healthy in body, mind, and soul. I pray to God to help me be courageous when I must look at my broken life and try to move forward.
"Never will I leave you or forsake you" ~ God

Lord I rejoice that you look on the inside and not the outside! I can't wait until I exchange this earthly body for life eternal with You! Until that time comes Lord, help me look at my world and myself through Your eyes. Purify me daily ~ I pray this prayer in Christ's name. Amen





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Broken Pieces

Broken Pieces

My search for the solution to loosing weight has led me again to how broken and abnormal I am. I am so tired of this mental and emotional war. Time and time again I thought that I had made it to a peaceful place but I found that it was one more battle won - not the end of the war! ................. ........ In this blog I am going to be honest so here it goes: I am scared - to my very core! I am scared that if I loose weight I will be abused again. No one protected me before. No one! How can I get past this? When I am afraid, when I think of losing weight, I become the six year old begging God to make it stop but then - no answer came. How can I get past this? A pathetic, whimpering twelve year old laying on the bathroom floor crying out, "I'll be good Mommy, please Mommy stop, I'll be good". How can I get past this? A thirty seven year old women that was just seeing daylight and had lost sixty five pounds but instead of saving a twenty year marraige ~ forced to watch as life shattered again and a covenant was broken.

I try to make emotional plans to deal with loosing weight. I tell myself that I won't face the scales when I weigh and no one is going to tell me or congratulate me when I loose weight ~ maybe that will work. Or maybe I will shave my head, wear a scarf or bad wig, put dark circles under my eyes with make-up ~ then as I loose weight people will think that I have cancer and they won't complement me. Good idea, right? Well, no ~ it is just me running away from the truth. Deep down I truely believe that if I am bigger than my abusers, I can't get hurt. If I am huge then I can keep a barrier between myself and being hurt again. If I am unhealthy and obese my choices are limited and I physically CAN'T deal with life's challenges.  I know I am not alone in feeling this way. Others out there are living the same kind of life. The only way I am going to get through this is with the help of a therapist who will guide me through the mine field of pain and scars. But mostly - I know in my mind and heart that I can only be victorious with God's help.

I know that God was with me through the years. He provided me with a mind that was inventive enough to "leave" when the abuse was at its worse. Disassociation and hiding behind masks became my way of dealing with my life. I would walk through my life like a little doll  (then as I grew older a version of the "Barbie" doll). I acted the part on the outside but the real me was hidden - a puppet being dangled and jerked about by my controllers. I think children of acoholics and children of abuse learn to stay on their guard and then do something, anything to survive. The problem with disassoicating yourself from life is that it is hard to reconnect to the normal world when you want to walk the path back to normality. It is hard to tell the truth from the lies ~ the real from the unreal. You feel like a ghost walking through your childhood and marriage ~ there but not really there. Throughout my life the thought was always there: If they knew the real me, the broken, dirty, evil person that the abuser thought needed to be cleansed and punished ~ they would turn away and run.

As early as eight years old, I could not stand to look in the mirror. So I painted on a smile but underneath I was screaming and wanting everything to end. Every time I thought that I would end my life, at the right time someone or something came into my life. That lifeline helped me take another breath, another step. It could be a song on the radio, a TV show, a person calling me to say hello. I have made it through so much but this battle ahead is going to be one of the hardest. Loosing weight means that I must deal with the body image issue and let the ghost come out into the light.

 

I am diabetic, with major circulation problems in my legs. If I do not loose the weight, I could loose my life. So I will go forward, broken and abnormal as I am and pray that the healing will come. I write in this blog to help with the healing and to share with my therapist my thoughts and emotions. I have recently decided to open this blog up to others who might be going through a similuar journey - from broken lives to whole lives. No matter what I say in this blog - the only healing, joy, or love that I might accomplish - comes from the Lord. If I make it out of this ordeal alive - it will be only a life lived with God in control, Christ as my mirror, and the Spirit interceding for me. I hope that I do not offend anyone but it is, after all, my journey of truth being reported. My goal is to write an honest account of my daily thoughts, concerns, battles, and victories. I want to be able to come back and read the scriptures that encouraged me as I move toward the person God wants me to be. Until complete healing comes - I will try to hold on for dear life....

Revelation 21:6 "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life."

Isaiah 32:2 "Each man will be like a shelter from the wind and a refuge from the storm, like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a thristy land." God provided me with a mental shelter as I went through life, a way to block the full emotional experience of abuse. Now it is time for me to face all the broken places in my life ~ the ones caused by others and the ones that I caused myself.... I am so broken... but Christ was broken for me so that I could be healed.I will hold on to that thought.
Lord, I plead for your healing hand again. I realize that healing sometimes comes in waves. I am so broken and only you can help me put the pieces of my life together and learn to live without falling back on the numbing power of food. Thank you for your mercy and love. In Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

A New Beginning

A New Beginning

 At one time I weighed 365 pounds! For a 5 foot 4 inch female that was a tremendous burden. I got down to 300 and maintained that weight - through a divorce, putting myself through college, the death of my mother, two layoffs, a ten year career as a 5th grade teacher, four major surgeries, and taking care of my elderly father for four years. Through all of this I managed to hold on and not gain weight. 2009 was extremely difficult and began to gain weight again. I was forced to go on permanent disability after shattering my left femur in a fall, my father had two major strokes and passed away after 20 days of hospice, and the caregiver that was taking care of me stole over $4,000 from my bank accounts. Going through old papers, pictures, documents, color slides, old VHS tapes has taken almost four years and through it all health issues piled up. I kept going to physical therapy but my weight held me back. I had an extreme reaction to a medication and was hospitalized with Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. The steroids they used to save my life damaged my pancreas and I was put on insulin. My depression grew.

In March of 2012 I had reached 336 pounds. I was watching TV and a bariatric clinic was advertising their payment plan. So I called them and they said to call my insurance first. I found out that my insurance would cover bariatric surgery! My doctor approved and said he would monitor me and my therapist (mental) will help me through the emotional part of loosing the weight. It is so hard to believe that I can overcome years of negative, toxic words and depression. I have failed so many times! Many people who have bariatric surgery gain the weight back. I write this blog to face the pain, hunger, and the void that I keep trying to fill with food.  I am so used to surviving by putting on a mask or trying to please others. I trust no one and I am heart sore.
With so many ads, products, and promotions for loosing weight ~ I turn to God and His word:

Psalm 63:1 "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."

I know in my mind that He will guide me. Now I pray that my emotions buried under layers of scars and hurt will be healed and His truth will light the way through to heal my heart and soul. With out this "diet" of truth, it will be hard to take down the mask that I hold up in public - the mask that I use to keep safe.

Lord, I come before you now longing for guidance. Help me to not be afraid. Give me boldness and self-control when it comes to dieting. Lord I thirst for your love and I want to be healed by your hand. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Masks from centralfilms on GodTube.