Firm Foundation

Firm Foundation
Today was a day of doctor visits, specialists in their field. Last night it was hard to sleep, hard to breath in and out. Test results, more tests to take, and more pain seem to be my future. Numbing the fear by eating mindlessly has been my solution most of my life. Changing that behavior is so difficult. For most of my life I have been surrounded by people who base their perceptions, their truths on fear. Their life is based in judging others so that they can feel safe. Truth, love, and forgiveness is not part of their foundation. I pray for them every day but I have to move forward with my life. When it comes to my disfunctional family, I share Paul's wish:

Col. 2:2"I want their hearts to be made cheerful and strong. I want them to be joined together in love. Then their understanding will be rich and complete. "
As for my own personal fears about my health and my future ~ well, I have always dreamed and longed for a "home". Perhaps this is because I was a military kid or perhaps it is because home was never a safe place to exist. Maybe that is why I love the scriptures about "building" a life or making a home. 1 John4:17-18, "God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. (The Message)"

Forming a strong foundation of love in my life is a goal I am working on every day. I have been crippled in more ways than one but when love runs freely throughout my heart, then freedom from worry and a sense of sanity is around the corner. (12 Steps - step 2 and 3)

Sometimes humor helps to lighten the fear and make a path for the most important message.

Luke 6: 47-49 "These words I speak to you are not mere additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundation words, words to build a life on. If you work the words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who dug deep and laid the foundation of his house on bedrock. When the river burst its banks and crashed against the house, nothing could shake it; it was built to last. But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a dumb carpenter who built a house but skipped the foundation. When the swollen river came crashing in, it collapsed like a house of cards. It was a total loss. (The Message)"

Dear Lord, help me tonight to fall asleep without pain pills and without fear of the future. As the river of pain crashes on me with each breath, please Lord hold me with your hand and let my faith stand strong. I am such a weak person but with Your help, I know I can make it through anything that comes my way.  Help me to find the strength to go to OA tomorrow. Through Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

Infinitely Rewarding Task

Infinitely Rewarding Task

God is good! He has provided the Dallas area with a steady, cool spring rain this weekend and bright blue skies today. This has enabled me to surround myself with a heating pad, warm blanket and the Word of God today~Sunday. I would rather be out with other christians, singing His praise but the pain is too great this morning. It is possible that I will be able to get out later. In the mean time I am blessed with the infinitely rewarding task of seeking God. This is my main goal in life ~ my main task. Sometimes this makes life difficult but it is a goal with infinite possibilities and unlimited blessings. God's love for me is endless, His plan for my good is filled with boundlessness!

"Save me! I'm all yours. I look high and low for your words of wisdom.
The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me, but I'm only concerned with your plans for me. I see the limits to everything human,but the horizons can't contain your commands! Oh, how I love all you've revealed; I reverently ponder it all the day long." Psalm 119:94-97

My greatest escape, the most soothing pain relief in my past ~ was always chocolate. Sometimes every breath I take, every spasm of pain calls out for sweets. This method of pain control, this habit is like a wicked beast waiting to ambush me and destroy the new person who God is forming each day. God's words of love, His promises are taking the place of that dreadful habit. The story of Jesus and His love for me helps: that old, old story that is the main thread of the Bible; how I was lost and sinful and God, in His love planned for my salvation through the generations of Abraham. God's promise throughout the ages, through Israel, was a Savior, a King that can rule my heart now, and for eternity. Without Christ ~ there is no hope of salvation.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life" Rev. 21:6

So I will continue reading God's word today, listen to songs praising Him for His boundless, endless, infinite love.

Dear Lord, I cannot fathom Your endless glory, Your boundless love for me! Forgive my blindness, my limited view, my sinful nature and stuborn mind. Everywhere around me the universe sings Your praise but so much of the time I only feel and see my life, my pain. Open my eyes to Your glory and your promises. Thank You for Your guidance today and every day. In my Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

Magnify Christ

Magnify Christ
Someone once said: "There is no way of telling the amount of good we could do if we didn't care who gets the credit."

The movies, TV shows, and the world in general is a competitive battle ground. People "take sides" about every issue and the competitive spirit is honored and encouraged beginning with toddlers and pre-schoolers.

 I just remembered this morning something someone said at Saturday's OA meeting. One of the leaders talked about her first day at a meeting.  She noticed several "heavy" members. When one obese person began to share and indicated that she had been able to control her compulsive eating for several months, surprise set in because the new member (now a leader) did not feel like she could control herself for one day, when she first started!
It is human nature to compare ourselves to be competitive. At most weight loss clinics pictures and pounds lost are posted, with the "biggest loser" for the week spotlighted. I have been down that road so many times. I have found that, if my motivation comes from a competitive spirit - my weight loss will fail in the end. One of the winners of "The Biggest Loser" gained back almost 200 pounds! Why? Because competition is not a lasting motivator or is a "beat others" attitude the answer to filling the void in someone's life. "Self-esteem" or self motivation did not work for me - I have CD's, books, and know Zig Zigler by heart and it all seemed like a lie unless it was God getting ALL the glory.

 Someone asked me why I don't put my name in this blog, post the pictures of my weightloss. The purpose of this blog is to document my search. I am writing down my journey to the wellspring that quenches my thirst, the only place where my hunger can be filled. I want to come back to each post and relive that moment of inspiration from God and how it helped me. Even though I am placing personal thoughts and experiences down - they are flawed, inconsistent ramblings of someone searching for a daily answer; the desperate search of a compulsive overeater to fill the void. Anytime I place my picture, displaying my weightloss progress, up for people to see - it is followed by a spell of overeating. That is because all glory, all honor has to be Christ's - not mine.

 

Over and over again throughout the Bible - God gets the glory - not people.

2 Peter 3:18, "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever!"

 God and Christ got the glory - not people, not Christians. I am just a "cracked, dirty pot" that has been cleansed. Anything that is good that I do, any success - is Christ in me. That is hard to remember when the world has an "us versus they" attitude.

So I go back to the scriptures to help me fight the influence of the world. Romans 15 Paul talks about success in bringing the Word of God to unbelievers: "Looking back over what has been accomplished and what I have observed, I must say I am most pleased—in the context of Jesus, I'd even say proud, but only in that context. I have no interest in giving you a chatty account of my adventures, only the wondrously powerful and transformingly present words and deeds of Christ in me that triggered a believing response among the outsiders." (The Message)

So that is the answer to weight loss .... the "powerful and transformingly present words and deeds of Christ" working in the soul of believers.

The words and deeds of Christ magnified in me = the only success that has meaning or substance. Everything else leaves a void and that leads to more uncontrollable hunger and thirst.

.

Dear Lord, help me today to be encouraged by the zeal and success in others. Transform my competitive spirit, my inclination to outdo others. Help me to focus on the power of true success ~ Christ in me. Transform me today and everyday and may any success magnify God's glory and diminish my part, my efforts. I am just an earthen vessel begging to be filled with Your power. I don't deserve Your love and mercy. I do want to lose weight so much but I keep trying to do it to please others or myself. I know that is the way of failure. I can only succeed with Your help and if it is Your will for me on this earth. Help me to be open to other people you send into my life. If OA is where you want me to be, please clear a path through my fears of new things. It is in the name of Your glorious Son that I come to you today in prayer, Amen.

Unbearable Vastness

Unbearable Lightness of Being

John 12:46: "I am Light that has come into the world so that all who believe in me won't have to stay any longer in the dark." It has been said that darkness conceals reality but lightness exposes it.

I went to my first OA meeting and so much of what was said did not sink in. Someone was sharing their journey and insights and said that they realized that it wasn't that she just had a problem with food and eating but she had a problem with "living".
That really hit home to me. The new reality/ truth for me has been - that getting up in the morning, breathing in and out, - all of it - I am unequipped to do! My past life was dark and filled with pain, fear, and despair. Now that I have had lap band surgery and lost weight, now that I HAVE to eat slowly or I get sick, I am finding that exposing my life to "reality" or living each moment "real" is painful, exhausting work! I find myself needing to numb the pain with eating and when that does not work - eating again - soft foods like Reese's go easily past the lap band. The true reality is that there is no hope, no life in the darkness of my old habits. The only hope I have is through Jesus, the light of the world.

Psalm 80's refrain: "Restore us, O God of hosts; let your face shine, that we may be saved!"

Jesus was the Light of the world and I can't move forward and conquer my old life of sin, of over eating and pain - I can't do it without Jesus lighting the way.

John 1:4-5: "The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone.⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it."

C.S. Lewis wrote an allegory ~ The Great Divorce. It is about the choices people make which ultimately mean heaven or hell. "Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows." The person that was asked this question in the book wanted "assurances or guarantees". As the journey led to the mountain, the blades of grass were so beautiful that they were sharp like shards of glass, the sound of singing was so beautiful that it hurt the ears of those that were not used to it. Others ghosts wanted to go back to a dark, "safe" place where the painful light and sounds were muted. They had a choice of spending eternity praising God and basking in the glorious light or going back to the "controlled" sinful habits that they were used to. Some actually said, "Who wants to be rescued?" They did not desire it if it meant leaving their lives behind. One artist asked where all the distinguised people were. The answer was:"Don't you understand? The Glory flows into everyone, and back from everyone: like light and mirrors.

But the Light's the important thing."
It is so hard not to fall back or run back into my "safe", numb life of compulsive eating. Certain foods were my best friends throughout my painful life. I am praying that I can find a new life, friends with common struggles, and common goals at OA (Overeaters Anonymous).


Lord, illuminate my life with your unquenchable love and hope. Help me to focus on your light because all darkness and fear flees when your light shines on my heart. Lord, it seems that you have put in my heart and mind the need for life with other's sharing common problems and goals. Help me to be open to this program and to other's insights, struggles, journeys, and successes. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

I Want It Now!

I Want It Now!

I.G.S. = Immediate Gratification Syndrome. "This is a psychological state of mind that plagues us with the thought of living for today and for the moment. It causes us to do what we want instead of what we need. " As I am being healed of this "disorder" I find it difficult filling in the void. There is more time to think and feel and I find that I am almost desperate to stay busy, feel connected to something, to fill the void that I.G.S. left behind. I keep falling back into old habits because I don't have the skills to deal with this new "reality". I did not make it to an OA meeting Saturday but I am determined to go this Saturday. I must get help with compulsive overeating. I don't want to gain the weight back or go on insulin ever again! 

From an article on line about food addiction:
"Take food: those of us with eating issues always look at the “normies” and think how can they eat that and not think about it? Or not plan everything? or obsess? or count? I don't get how food isn't a big deal to them. It’s because food isn’t filling a void for them. It’s not a I MUST HAVE THAT NOW kind of thing. To normies, hunger is a gentle nudge saying “hey, you are low on fuel, you should probably eat soon,” and they go about their merry way until its convenient to eat. ....Its all about immediate gratification. People with food issues use food to fill some void, and when the slightest hint of a trigger arises, you need to fix it NOW......THAT’S how you know if you have issues with food. If you need food so intensely at any given moment, out of no where, whether you are hungry, anxious, sad, lonely, happy- anything, and you cant think about anything else until you get it (or deprive yourself of it, in an anorexic’s case) you are abusing food. Its like a drug fix- you cant think of anything else until you get that hit" posting by Kelly at http://www.wellsphere.com/exercise-article/the-difference-between-normal-and-abnormal-eating-immediate-gratification/631993

I found an example of someone desperately needing guidance; David's need for immediate help, his plea is my plea also:

"But I've lost it. I'm wasted. God—quickly, quickly! Quick to my side, quick to my rescue! God, don't lose a minute. " Psalm 70:5 (The Message)

Same verse but New Living Translation: "But as for me, I am poor and needy; please hurry to my aid, O God. You are my helper and my savior; O Lord, do not delay."

Lord, Help! I am at a turning point in my life and I am very afraid of falling back into spending all of my "empty" times - the void - with food or thoughts of food. Hundreds of times a day I am finding an overwhelming hunger - a void to be filled. I rush here and there, rent a movie, think about food, but I know those are part of the old pattern. Help me to be still, learn from you in the silence and then "Go". I am not sure what my hands need to be doing, so Lord please come to my aid and help me, save me, and guide me. In my Savior's name I plead for guidance, Amen.

God's Timeless Principles - A Better Way to Live from iiw on GodTube.

Pit of Disrepair

A dark pit of failure. Starting the day with plans to eat healthy, follow the program and continuing to loose weight ~ then going out into the world, getting beat up, and coming back home and eating. Stuffing the anger and confusion, the need to fit in, - stuffing it with food. Sounds familiar? You bet!! The good thing is - it is happening less and less. Because I am journaling, I am more aware of the triggars. This blog is a place I visit often - not just to post and write down how God helped me on a particular day, but I come back and listen to the songs, read the scriptures again. Any victory comes from the Lord.

"When people's steps follow the Lord,
God is pleased with their ways.
²⁴ If they stumble, they will not fall,
because the Lord holds their hand.." Psalm37:23-24

I read this passage and sometimes it doesn't help - I am still confused. I feel like I am in a tail spin - ready to hit bottom - hit it hard. That is what my feelings shout out with every emotional ache of failure. Today, I have to just believe with my mind, my soul - and hope the feelings will change. The Philippians 4 formula usually works and conquers my emotions. "Think on these things....". So this week - today, I will read passages that hold positive promises. Even though I don't feel the Lord's hand holding me - I will envision it there, think about how He showed His love to me thousands of times. I will hold on to God's promises.

Lord God Almighty, I am falling again into failure. Lord, so many controlling, abusive people poured evil thoughts into my mind for decades. All the voices from the past are shouting like loud winds, "You are worthless, you are broken and can't be repaired, you fail at everything, the Body is evil - and you can't control it without our help! God can help but, be practical, listen to us - we know you better." Lord, only Your presence helped me survive the lies and abuse. You held my mind in a secret place, helped me distance myself from the abuse - so that I could survive and learn to live again. Lord, I am hopeless at living a "normal" life. I don't know what to say to people and when I do try to engage in "small talk", I have little to relate to. How much time can someone spend talking about the weather? Lord, guide me in this "maturing" aspect of my life. Help me to know, really know you are with me everywhere. Help me remember that You can shout to the loud winds, "Be still!" and they obey Your commands. I need Your help, every step of my life. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Empty and Beautiful-Matt Maher (w/ Matt Chandler) from bball1989 on GodTube.


Lyrics to Empty And Beautiful :
My past won't stop haunting me --In this prison there's a fight between ---Who I am and who I used to be --- This thorn in my side is a grace --- For because of it the flesh and blood of God --- Was offered in my place, my place ---
Chorus: You fought the fight in me --- You chased me down and finished the race --- I was blind but now I see ---Jesus You kept the faith in me ---
Where did my best friends go? --- In my defense they disappeared --- Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord --- But You were there, You gave me strength --- So this little one might come to know --- The glory of Your name, Your name ---
Chorus: ........
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart --- A libation I'm pouring out --- Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ---
Chorus:.....
You kept the faith in me --- Jesus You kept the faith in meSavior, --- You kept the faith in me
My past won't stop haunting me --- In this prison there's a fight between --- Who I am and who I used to be --- This thorn in my side is a grace --- For because of it the flesh and blood of God --- Was offered in my place, my place ---
Chorus: ......
Where did my best friends go? --- In my defense they disappeared --- Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord --- But You were there, You gave me strength --- So this little one might come to know --- The glory of Your name, Your name ---
Chorus: ....
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart --- A libation I'm pouring out --- Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ---
Chorus: ....

Fix Your Heart Toward Heaven

Fix Your Heart Toward Heaven

"And it came to pass, when the time had come that He should be received up, He steadfastly set His face to go to Jerusalem" Luke 9:51  

In the passage above Jesus had just held a child and told the disciples that the least would be the greatest. Jesus knew His time was coming near and his steadfast, resolute focus, His face was set to go - to Jerusalem - to His death. One version translates it "he gathered up his courage and steeled himself ".

My focus has recently wavered from the goal: seeking the Lord's answer for my weightloss, feasting on God's word each and every day, "turning a hunger and thirst for love into a spiritual feast that replaces emotional eating habits". So, once again, I gather up my courage and look to "Jerusalem" - I look to the goal of heaven and turn away from my sinful life, my destructive habits, and failure. My focus has to be on God, who is greater than my past. (God>my past) I am tired of traveling through life looking in the rear view mirror.

Now - as a survivor, I have had a great deal of road kill to deal with in the last few weeks of this journey. I was moving along at a good pace and then found something dragging, dangling, and making noise as I was moving forward. I had to stop and figure out what was slowing me down again, what was causing anger to strip my gears again.

 It can be discouraging to build up speed and feel joyful and feel free and then hit a wall of memories or (even more frightening) brand new, positive feelings. New places and experiences can be scary and cause uncertainty. But if I keep my eyes focused on the destination, heavenward ~ I know that I will find the pit stops don't hurt quite as much with each day that I travel toward "Jeruselem".

With God's help I will keep my eyes on the prize - "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" Philippians 3:14

Heavenward is a forward gear - not reverse!

Lord, I come before you again today asking for your help. I am having a hard time focusing on the goal - setting my face toward heaven. Please forgive me for getting weighed down again in failure, the pain of the past, and dragging with me the bloody memories of the little girl that was run over by life. Lord, each time a new memory overtakes me, help me to look to Your healing heart and move forward - even though it is so tiring. Anger is my greatest enemy. Lord, I give that anger to You. You are a just and merciful God and I leave judgement in Your hands. Help me to learn to forgive as I was forgiven. ~ In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

100% Cloud Cover

100% Cloud Cover

Today, once again, I search for the right path, the correct way to behave, the right thing to say. I used to spend so much time thinking about food, dreaming about food, numbing out with food.... There has been more time to be "real" now, more time. That thought scared me to death and the reality of my life became too much to bear. I stopped writing on this blog. I became out of control again with eating candy but thankfully did not gain weight. My A1C level went up and that scared me. Compulsive eating was taking over and thoughts of food ruled my mind. 
 I remembered that the Israelites were slaves and then had freedom. What did they do when they had the whole world ahead of them and freedom waiting to be grasp? They wanted to go back into the "security" of slavery. So God gave them something to do. They gathered manna, they got organized, and then they built a place for the presence of God - a place for God to dwell while He was with them.

"Then the cloud covered the Meeting Tent, and the glory of the Lord filled the Holy Tent..... When the cloud rose from the Holy Tent, the Israelites would begin to travel,³⁷ but as long as the cloud stayed on the Holy Tent, they did not travel. They stayed in that place until the cloud rose. ³⁸ So the cloud of the Lord was over the Holy Tent during the day, and there was a fire in the cloud at night. So all the Israelites could see the cloud while they traveled." Exodus 40:24-38

With God as their guide there was no doubt about which path to take or where they would go. They simple had to follow. He was not distant, but an ever-present guide and companion. Their job was to exercise their faith, be patient, and be ready to follow when the cloud lifted. I need to remember that God is the same as yesterday. He has given me His Holy Spirit to guide me on this journey - this new life of freedom and choices. He asks me to trust Him and have faith.

I have had information about Overeater's Anonymous squirreled away for a few years. God has put the thought in my mind lately that I need to find a "tribe" or family of people that share the same problem, acknowledge that they can't "diet" away the pain, and that can share the journey with me.  

Lord God Almighty, help me to willingly wait for Your timing and to be ready to go at Your command. Lord, help me to hold up Your Son's life as a mirror, as a map. Give me strength for the journey and let Your words be the food that gives me strength each day. Just like the Israelites brought idols with them - hidden away, I have my addiction to food and the voices from abusers ringing in my ears. The addiction to food slows me down and blocks me from seeing You and the voices from my past lie and spread anger and hate. Help me to be truly free of these things and to look only at Your holy presence. Lord, I have been alone for so much of this journey. Please help me find the right "tribe" or group to travel with out of the wilderness of compulsive overeating.  Lord, I can never thank you enough for sending Your Son as a sacrifice, so the veil could be torn and I could freely come, cleansed and forgiven into Your Holy presence. You are worthy to be praised! In Jesus - the High Priest's name, in Christ - my Redeemer's name ~ I plead for Your daily guidance, Amen.