Salvation's Garden without Weeds

Salvation's Garden without the Weeds

I think survivors have layers of healing to deal with. There are times when something someone says or does triggers a part of the mind that has not been healed.

"At the right time" God presents a challenge, a memory, a sore spot that needs to be healed - at that time. When this happens, I experience that moment in time as if it were happening again. I am shocked, angered, and worn out by the sharp reality of abuse, family secrets, and lies. I want to deny it all.

Denial is the easy road to take.

For those people that think that one zap heals all problems ~ that in one second God heals and allows an abused person to walk as a totally whole person - I say - that idea is probably cruel denial on their part.

 

 It is easier to deny the amount of work that must be done to heal from years of abuse. God made my mind so wonderfully that it allowed me to "be gone" mentally during years of abuse. If he had not blessed me with such a creative mind - I would have killed myself at age 8 or 9.

 

The memory "switch" doesn't come back on all at once, revealing all the atrocities in the bright light of truth. God is gentle in his healing and kind, he guards and shelters us from those hurts that our minds cannot take in one revelation. He turns on the light with a "dimmer", letting me see what my soul can handle. Emotionally I know that I have to learn to crawl first and then walk before I can run. To expect anyone who comes from an abused background to be healed instantly - to zap the pain away or weight off - is just plain cruel.

You can tell that this is an emotionally charged issue for me. Today at the pool I thought that one lady was declaring that if I only prayed harder and forgive everyone that had ever hurt me - if I followed that quick and easy formula of faith - that complete healing was there for the taking. She asked if I had forgiven my mother. I told her yes, which is true. 

 

However, as new memories flood over me, as I walk forward into new situations in life and find that I was not taught a skill or my vision of life was warped by my mother's fears and brainwashing ~ new reasons to forgive and grow come to light. With these new memories - come momentary anger at what was done to a little girl. This anger is natural. Having to forgive again and again is painful "work".

As for the lady at the pool ~ I did get angry at her. Where did the anger come from? Who was I angry at? Then the Lord opened my mind and shed light on a few more past memories of other times when I had tried to loose weight... of other times that people said "just bow before the Lord, open your heart to Him and He will heal you - just believe!"

 

Well, I spent years of pleading, I had bloodied knees and blood shot eyes from praying. God answered my prayers and taught me that He still loves me and there are natural, normal, God-created ways to heal the mind and spirit that has been abused. I am so thankful he sent me to the right people for help. I was blessed with therapists that let God heal me - layer by layer.

Life was unjust, people were unjust, and along the way people were foolish. Anger wells up inside me sometimes. Today triggered memories of times when God fearing brothers and sisters said inappropriate things because it was easy for them to say, "Just pray ~ God will heal you." They did not have the strength or knowledge to take the time back then and allow me to work through the grief, disbelief, and lost years due to abuse. It helps me to realize that it was not their job and they could not handle it. They did not know what to say - so - out came their only advice. I try to remember that God has given me people who were sign posts, pointing the way to Him. Today, I am battling frustration and anger. Today, I turn again to God for help, for pruning, and for the watering of my soul:

^"Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God's righteousness doesn't grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life. " James 1:19-20 (The Message version)

My prayer is that I can learn to forgive others for being human and imperfect - forgive instantly and hold my tongue and my judgement of their inability to help me. I cannot expect others to understand the deep hurt and scars of abuse. I hope that next time I will understand that others do not see me - the real me - like God does ~~ and that is more than enough. There is a balm in Gilead!

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Eph. 4:31-32 (New Living version)

So today I come before the great Gardener and plea for forgiveness and salvation. I hold onto the hope that healing will come. I rejoice in another week of healthy eating and weight loss. Without God's work in my "salvation garden", I would still be locked in the darkness of fear, rage, and shame. Without God's help and healing throughout the years I would be filling my hungry, battered, grief-stricken heart with food. He is setting me free and I know that some day soon I will bloom - it will be a blossom created by God and His nurtured seed in my heart will flower in His time and His season of joy.

Lord, today I come before you humbled by my human frailty, my weakness. So much of my life is still bound and chained by the emotions that are still hidden. Thank you for uncovering the layers of memories and hurt - using Your time table. You are truly wonderful and worthy to be praised. Thank you for the helpers that you have sent during my life's journey. Lord please help me to forgive those that meant well - but were insensitive. Help me to be slow to speak and even slower to show anger around others. Help me to deal with my anger in a constructive way. Thank you for those that have spent years training to be helpers to others - therapist, doctors, councilors, and ministers. They have such beautiful feet and such healing hearts. To You, Lord I give my anger today, and through my Redeemer's name I pray. Amen

Deadly Kudzu

Deadly Kudzu

Ever hear of Kudzu? It is known as "The vine that ate the South" or "mile-a-minute vine".

Why do I bring up Kudzu? Well, I have a problem with depression. It is an "adjustment disorder with depressed mood". This is depression that comes out of a stressful event. Many survivors have been diagnosed with various types of depression and/or manic depression. My life and moods have always been dictated by whatever situation I was thrown in. I survived by feverishly attempting to do whatever was required during that stressful time and then as soon as that "crazy" event or period of time was over, I went into "lump" mode. As a child, I was called a "lump" or lazy at least a million times times. I was a chess piece to be moved about by someone else. I could not be moved unless some external force "moved" me. As I reached my teen years the anger at this game began to build and I started resisting. The few attempts at repellion were futile and one of these attempts led to marraige to a controller. I soon found out that I had no power over my abusers, my controllers. That is when eating became my power move, something I could control.

As an adult, this has not changed. I have gotten rid of the abusers and controllers in my life but I still move from one extreme to another. After a stressful time, I become inactive, a lump. The eating to feel powerful has changed to a habit that I find hard to control. Just like Kudzu! That import from Japan was used to bring nutrients to the stressed out, used up soil of the South in the '40s and 50's and then it took control.

In the South the legend is that if you leave a window open in the night, Kudzu will creep in and smother you. Well, if I let it, depression or "resting" after a storm of stress ~ takes over. I become a lump until the next time that some force "moves me", some emergency happens, or the crisis builds. Everything piles up in the house and tasks that need to get done lurk around every dark corner of the house ~ like Kudzu, ready to overwhelm me or smother me with sadness, and a feeling of dispair. Today I am looking at bills and forms, all things that I must work on. If I am left alone, I will sit and do nothing. I have so many good reasons for not moving a muscle! I am so tired! Well, God has a solution:

 

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might... " Ecclesiastes 9:10 ~ and ~

"...do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you." I Samuel 10:7. ~

 and finally, from the Message version of Isaiah 41:9-10 ~

"I pulled you in from all over the world,
called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.
I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'
Don't panic. I'm with you.
There's no need to fear for I'm your God.I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."

 

God is telling me, through His word, that He is in control. If I reach out and grab hold of one task at a time, one handful at a time ~ with His help I can move forward. I am no longer a chess piece. I choose to move forward, with God's help and as I look up from the darkness, from underneath the massive vines of depression, I find that He has had a firm grip on me the whole time!

 

Lord God Almighty, thank you! Without hope in You I would not be moving at all today. Please help me to grasp onto the tasks that I can handle today and to do that task in Christ's name, with all my might. During those dark, lonely times of pure exhaustion or when depression overtakes me ~ help me find my way back to Your strength, Your light, Your love. I know Lord, without Jesus ~ I have no hope of salvation! So it is through Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

When Tears Fall from soundingjoy on GodTube.

Truly Lovable

Truly Loveable

Have you ever felt unloved, unlovable? I spent the last part of the week going old family color slides from my Dad's house. I was the trustee and have kept them under my bed for two years. I will scan a few from each trip or holiday and throw the rest away. As the quiet settled in and the rain began to fall from a grey sky, I felt quite alone, so dejected. The task ahead seemed overwhelming because I am alone in this job with no help from family members. They would condemn me if I were to just discard the pictures but because I am retired and have so much time on my hands they feel I should be the one to "deal" with the estate.

This feeling of abandonment in the face of what seems to be impossible brought back old feelings ~ the feeling of being overwhelmed or surrounded by people that were unable to love me - as I was, as I am. They turned away because it was just too hard a task to deal with all of my unfinished dreams, postponed projects, personal tragedies, and scarred past. Now with a massive globular layer of fat surrounding my body and feeling like my family's past has encased me in boxes of slides ~ I am finding it very hard to count my blessings, very hard to be positive. The weeping starts and will not stop. It is an effort to even breathe.  As I scan each slide ~ the memories once again bring sorrow, anger, and so many other feelings. I know the crying is natural during the mourning process and that I am also so very, very tired. So once again I cry out, "Does anyone see me?!? Can anyone love me NOW?!? Can anyone love this mess that I am today?" The answer comes with a whisper and then a shout... ... ...

John 3:16 ~ " For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son".
Today I go to those scriptures that have helped me in the past:
..."It wasn't so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. .... .... immense in mercy and with an incredible love, He embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah. " Eph. 2:1-6 ... ... ... "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him" I John 4:19

Once again, God's word to me gets through all the chaos and helps me put what I can't handle aside and focus on what I can do today. The warmth of God's love and acceptance brings life and healing to my life again. 

Lord, please keep reminding me of Your place in my heart and in my life. Let Your love reign over me today and fill me with the peace during this time of sorrow and chaos. In my Savior's name, I pray. Amen.
 

I found Jesus there

I found Jesus there

Here is a story of faith ... ... ... A surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. "Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart...".
"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted. The surgeon looked up, annoyed. " I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done...". ....."But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," the boy insisted.
The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. He talked to them as a family directly, "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up and I'll plan what to do next." The boy tugged on the coat sleeve of the doctor and said, "But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."

The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart. I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well." The young boy looked at the doctor with serious, faith-filled eyes and said - one last time,"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there." The surgeon left.

The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery: "...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis: " here he paused, "death within one year."He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said.
"Why?" he asked aloud. "Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"
The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be. Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow. " The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy, and You created that heart. He'll be dead in months. Why?" The Lord answered quietly, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he has done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb. " The surgeon wept.

The next day, the surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?" "Yes," said the surgeon. "What did you find?" asked the boy."

"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.
-- Author Unknown

Lord God, lead me to the cross every day. Help me to see that without Jesus, without the blood of the Lamb, sin covers my life and soul. Wash me white as snow each day with your light and love. Caste my sins into the deepest part of the ocean. You are worth to be praised! In my Savior's name I pray, Amen.

Liar, Liar!

Liar! Liar!

"Liar, Liar! Pants on fire!" These are words that I wished many times that I could shout back to my mother. She wove such a web of lies around me concerning my body that, to this day, I still believe her. I look at the pictures of myself growing up and I am shocked. I was not fat! Yet in her fear filled eyes I was always fat and the "body" had to be controlled or it would take control and all would be lost. Her disfunctional idea of "body image" branded itself in my brain. Each day as I am trying to dig through the seared remains of my mind, I find that I must take each idea, each phrase, each memory and hold it to the light. Once it is in the light, I must sort the lies from the truth. My distorted body image is the reason that I have been unable to loose weight for years and years. This process of healing and claiming my past for Christ and truth ~ this is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is time. It is the right time for my salvation:

"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. " Romans 5:1-8 (The Message version)
My life growing up was based on lies and fear. I escpecially like this version of Romans 5. God always wanted to "set it right with me and make me fit for him". As long as I am harboring lies about my body and my body image ~ then I am not a fit vessel for the Lord to use. I am not saying that physical appearance hinders God's message. Fat people can preach the word, be a blessing to others, and walk through the pearly gates. A liar cannot do these things. Even though the lies were created by my mother and others who believed her, I cannot move forward and be functional until I stop believing those lies, stop living those lies. Every time I believe those lies instead of walking through the door of truth that is held wide open by Christ - I am choosing to go back to prison, the dark despair of my warped body image.
Verse 5 of Romans 5 is so helpful to me today: "hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. " NIV
This "outpouring" of God's love into my scorched, hurting heart is actually translated as a continual, never ending act. That is why I like The Message version. I can't round up enough containers to hold all the truth and love that God is generously pouring into my life today. This is all happening just at the right time, when I needed it the most, when I am ready to see the truth, strong enough to take the full brunt of this truth. Because God chose the right time, I am now strong enough to face the lies and view my body in the light of God's love and forgiveness. I cannot be used by God the way I am. Once again this is not because I am obese - no! Obese people can be used by God. It is not because I am size 30 - because God does not see the outward part of me. It is because my heart and mind are mummified. Like a dead person walking around, I must unravel all the layers of putrid lies that incase my image of myself and let Christ bring to life my dead, numb heart. I need His help to walk a new path, a new life. When this task is done, I don't want people to say, "You look so wonderful! You have lost so much weight!"
I want them to shout,
" She's free! She's alive! She's alive!"

Lord, please help me each day to face the truth. Help me to sort through the lies that are buried so deep in my heart and mind. Lord, help me to forgive. As I uncover lie after lie, help me to forgive those people who spoke those lies and then reinforced them with their actions, their torture. Forgiving is so hard for me God. All I want to do is make them pay for what they did to a little girl's heart, who only wanted to love them and have their approval. Lord, free me from the burden of this overwhelming sadness and pain. With your help Lord I have lost over twenty pounds. Lord, help me be like Paul and claim each victory for you. Help me point to you as my Savior of my life, of each successful day. In my Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

Stand Strong

Stand Strong

The Egyptians were about to overtake the fleeing Isaelites. They were panicing. They cried out to God. "Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? ¹² Didn’t we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, ‘Leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It’s better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!’” Exodus 14

This scripture and story really speaks to me tonight. The Lord has led me on such a wonderful exodus leading away from slavery and toward a new healthy life. However, there are times during the day that I feel like a walking corpse. I am so used to being a slave to my food addiction, to numbing out the pain by eating those foods that pacify my fears ~ even for a short time. So I have taken steps away from that old life and I am doing very well with eating the right foods. I am eating healthier than I have my whole life! Why do I still feel like a corpse walking through a place that is strange and desolate to me? I find myself wanting to go back to what is familiar and safe. The urge to get in the car and drive to Sonic or Braums is overwhelming. I feel like a battle is raging as the cravings continue to beat down my resolve. Like the Israelites I need a reminder:

“Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. ¹⁴ The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

What does this have to do with me today? I am reminded that fear of new things is just a human condition; that I am not alone. Also, if I will stand still and stand strong, the Lord will rescue me. I just have to look toward His direction to find the way through the battle. Another promise that I see in these verses: God will fight for me if I just stay calm. So I will continue forward, one step at a time, one diet journal entry at a time. I will try not to beat myself up when I feel overwhelmed by temptations.

I will try to remember to: "Just stay calm"

Dear Lord,

Please help me on my path toward healing. My need for comfort food is overwhelming tonight. Please help me to stand strong and stay calm. Please take over this battle that is waging in my mind and body. Lord, I desperately need you to fight for me tonight. Rescue me from petty worries and concerns. Thank you for the glory of your salvation and grace. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Center Stage

Center Stage

I have been reading Ephesians. Paul was sitting in a Roman prison praying for God's people in the city of Ephesus:

^" I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.
I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms." Eph. 1:17-20

This prayer went out to the struggling christians in Asia Minor (now Turkey) and it also applies to me today. It is a prayer full of light and God's promises for me. Paul wants God to be center stage in my heart and he prays that the curtains of doubt be opened wide, the flood light be focused on the glory of God, so that I can have confident hope! With this knowledge and truth comes understanding of just how great the power of God is. This scripture always gives me a "light bulb" moment!

Well, today, once again this scripture helps me, inspires me, and reminds me of God's promise for my life. In Phil. 1:6, I am reminded that:
"...God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

I might not feel as if any good can come from my past life. I might not feel like I will ever, ever be whole and healthy. I might not understand, minute by minute, how God will make my life complete. But I have faith in God's power to conquer death and I have faith in His power to change my life. Do I always feel empowered? No, not always. The scriptures help me to open the curtains when things are dark and the words of truth shine the flood lights on Christ - not on me.
"Seek the Kingdom of God
above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Mathew 6:33
So much of my past is coming forward to block my eyes, my mind, my heart from God's glory and His help in my life today. It has been three months since my lapband surgery. I am off of insulin and all my blood pressure medications! In so many ways I am being set free from darkness but I still need to uncover more to see things clearly and to put every part of my life and path into the bright glory of the Lord's light.
"...the Lord's Spirit sets us free. So our faces are not covered. They show the bright glory of the Lord, as the Lord's Spirit makes us more and more like our glorious Lord." 2 Cor. 3:17-18
So with the Lord's help I will continue to eat right, eat healthy. Keeping a diet log, or diet journal sheds light on my daily path. Nothing is hidden from God, not even the food that I eat in the night. There is also no shame in the illuminated path toward the bright glorious body the Lord has ready for me. I might not get there on earth but that glory is around the corner. I have a promise that I will begin to "mirror" that glory, more and more each day while I am here on this earth. I hold onto that thought and that hope as I continue on my journey and quest for healthy living and eating.

Lord, once again I come to you, drawn by the light of Your words and promises. Thank you for all that you are showing me about my life and my past. It is not easy to shine the light on my shameful habits and past mistakes. My body is evidence of the dark days and the stretch marks tell a tale of diets started and stopped, and they are a testimony of my life of despair without you. Thank you for the hope that I now have in You. Keep my eyes on Your glory. In Christ's name I pray pleading, Amen.
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Francis Chan - Balance Beam from jaminsermons on GodTube.

Release the Balloons

Release the Balloons

In Psalm 30:5, David says, "Joy comes in the morning." I find that it is easier to find joy in the morning time. Even with aching muscles and bad breath, I find it easier to be joyful in the morning, before the pressures of the day come to mind and I start rushing around. The day starts out full of promise and hope.
Psalm 5:11-12 (New Living Translation): "But let all who take refuge in You rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy. For you bless the godly, O Lord, you surround them with your shield of love."
Psalm 119:1-2: "Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the Lord. Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts."
My religious upbringing was far from joyful and time in church was spent sitting up straight and not drawing attention to yourself in any way.
A story by Bruce Larson illustrates what worship service was like for me and it still resembles many assemblies today:
"A conference at a church was being held. People were given helium-filled balloons and told to release them at some point in the service when they felt like expressing  joy in their hearts. Since they were a ____ group (denomination omitted), they weren't free to say "Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!" All through the service balloons ascended, but when it was over one-third of the balloons were unreleased."
What does that story mean to me? It is important that my worship be all about praising God. That alone! Yes, edifying or uplifting others goes hand in hand with this. I think that worship should be the family of God coming together to feast on His word and glorify His name. The focus cannot and should not be about me or my gift. In the past I have worried about offending others and I have been too "uptight" to worship God joyfully.  I did not want to draw attention to myself but wanted my worship to God to be blended into what the rest of the congregation was doing. Well, I have changed my mind!
It is time to release my balloons!
"This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24
Lord, help me to see your beauty and glory in the early morning light. Help me to follow your instructions given in your word. Thank you Lord for your mercy and grace. Please take the chains off my heart, free my hands so they may rise up in praise to you, and Lord open my mouth so that I can praise your name loudly with joy. In my Savior's name I pray, Amen.

Let The Morning Bring from tracybarfield on GodTube.

For the Trees

For the Trees

Ever heard of the phrase "can't see the forest for the trees"? It is used to describe someone who is focusing too much on the details, on specific problems. That person is missing the main point, not understanding the whole situation, and is in great need of someone to help them see clearly. Why do I bring this up? I love trees! They have always been a comfort and a theme that runs through my life. They are like huge arrows pointing to heaven; messengers of God's creation and His love for me.

 

Last year I went to an exhibit opening in San Antonio. I lived there for a while when I was younger. Just like a winter tree with the last few leaves hanging on as the blasts of icy wind shake the limbs, my memories of that house in San Antonio are very few. I have held onto what memories I have tenaciously. My sister told me yesterday that we lived there for more than 6 years. How can that be? I thought I had lived there just 2 years! I only have a few memories! Were the buried memories so horrific? Was I disassociating so much from the abuse that those years are lost forever? What good memories and happy times were lost? Why can't I remember?! Once again, as I ponder these things, I am thrown into despair and depression. It was not looking like a good day.....for dieting, for anything. Then I searched for and found the pictures that I had taken a year ago when I was in San Antonio. I had gone by the house my parents had built over 30 years ago - their retirement home (for a few short years). It brought back a few memories. I do remember my Dad planting the young trees, placing small wooden stakes and ropes to secure them so that they would not break in the wind. The pictures I took last year of the house and the front and back yard showed how huge and strong the trees had grown - in those 30 years. (The house and trees are in picture below with scripture.) There was evidence of limbs that had broken off and then trimmed. Over all, even with all the scars on these trees, they were gigantic and healthy looking. Sometime during our stay in that house, Dad was recruited to work for the military as an advisor. The house in San Antonio, the retirement home was sold so that we could move again, again, and again.

Perhaps my patchy memories of that time are like the large branches of the trees, gone and discarded - so that the tree itself would remain healthy, growing strong and soaring toward heaven. I don't really know. What I do know - if I need to dig up the memories so that I can heal, get healthy, and move forward - God will help me find a path through that dark forest of pain. However, if the memories are gone forever - I will have to look at the big picture and focus on the part of me that is healthy and strong. It won't be easy. It is not easy having missing pieces of your life. I know that God will help me deal with any difficulty, even depression caused by a missing childhood; He will let the light of truth shine into the places I need to see in order to move forward and live a grace-filled, transformed life. I know that He has been watching over me and guiding me all the way through my life or I would not have survived. His love is like deep roots running deep into my soul.

 

Trees can continue to grow, even during a draught. In the last 30 years San Antonio has had many draughts but even a little rain spitting down from the sky or watering once a week can sustain a tree - if the roots are deep enough. Even spit can heal and provide a new life.

Can't see the forest for the trees?.....Jesus had just fed thousands of people with just a little food. You would expect the next act to be grand - not spit related! In the city of Bethsaida Jesus met a blind man. Instead of healing him so all could see, he led the man out of town and spit in his face! At first the man could not see the "forest for the trees" but soon he was able to see everything clearly - he saw the people in the distance. Did he run back to the village shouting praises, starting a new ministry of praise? No - Jesus sent him back to his house and told him not to tell the village. That does not make sense at first. Think about it. Maybe, like the blind man, ours is a private healing. Sometimes our time with the Lord and what we go through with Him is best kept to ourselves. Perhaps it is because He is not finished with us yet and before we go "out into all the world".... we first need to go home to a closet and continue the healing process. I believe in my case - I am still in the closet of prayer and healing. The Lord has shown me His glory - one more time. His beautiful creation, the trees, pointed the way again. He has bathed my eyes with healing tears and given me work today to do at home.

Lord, please help me to see my whole life through your eyes, so that I can see clearly. Help me to know what I am to do in your service. You have given me healing and talent to do your will. There are so many choices, so many needy people, and it can be confusing. I run ahead of you sometimes, shouting your praises, doing what I can chaotically but running into trees. Lead me day by day, minute by minute. Plant your word in my heart so that I can stand strong through any storm and always point toward your glory. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Water, Water Everywhere

(**My comments on how Romans 6 relates to compulsive, overeating.)
Romans 6
"So what do we do? Keep on sinning so God can keep on forgiving? I should hope not! If we've left the country where sin is sovereign, how can we still live in our old house there? Or didn't you realize we packed up and left there for good?"
 I have thrown away the sweets, sugar, and carb-filled snacks from my pantry and I stay in the healthy sections of the grocery store and avoid the aisles that are loaded with added sugar and processed foods.
"That is what happened in baptism. When we went under the water, we left the old country of sin behind; when we came up out of the water, we entered into the new country of grace—a new life in a new land! That's what baptism into the life of Jesus means. When we are lowered into the water, it is like the burial of Jesus; when we are raised up out of the water, it is like the resurrection of Jesus. Each of us is raised into a light-filled world by our Father so that we can see where we're going in our new grace-sovereign country."
 This new country, this new grace filled walk means that I need to take care and honor God's gifts and blessings - including my body.
"Could it be any clearer? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ, a decisive end to that sin-miserable life—no longer at sin's every beck and call! What we believe is this: If we get included in Christ's sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word." Wow! Sin (overeating, numbing out because of fear and discouragement) speaks a language that I cannot understand! It is God's word that brings light and comfort and I need to surround myself with the Truth!
"You are dead to sin and alive to God. That's what Jesus did. That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don't give it the time of day. Don't even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life."
 The MSG version brings such good light to this verse: For me it means- don't even get in the car to run "errands" when you know you really want to get sweets or take out.
"Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time—remember, you've been raised from the dead!—into God's way of doing things. Sin can't tell you how to live. After all, you're not living under that old tyranny any longer."
 When it comes to eating healthy, plan healthy meals and shop once a week - with a list. God's way of providing food and water in the wilderness is a good example. Eat until your stomach is full and stop.
"You're living in the freedom of God. What Is True Freedom? So, since we're out from under the old tyranny, does that mean we can live any old way we want? Since we're free in the freedom of God, can we do anything that comes to mind? Hardly. You know well enough from your own experience that there are some acts of so-called freedom that destroy freedom. Offer yourselves to sin, for instance, and it's your last free act."
 Giving yourself "freedom" to eat foods that you can't stop eating means the beginning of pigging out. Until you are strong enough, don't do it! Stick with health foods.
"But offer yourselves to the ways of God and the freedom never quits. All your lives you've let sin tell you what to do."
 Even though an abusing, controlling parent was the main voice that brainwashed your mind with Satan's lies - as an adult - it is sin's voice you accept and follow when you binge.
"But thank God you've started listening to a new master, one whose commands set you free to live openly in his freedom! I'm using this freedom language because it's easy to picture. You can readily recall, can't you, how at one time the more you did just what you felt like doing—not caring about others, not caring about God—the worse your life became and the less freedom you had?"
 The more Satan's lies filled my mind, the more I tried to numb the pain with food. Now, God's love and truth is shining through and I can't go back to the darkness!
"And how much different is it now as you live in God's freedom, your lives healed and expansive in holiness? As long as you did what you felt like doing, ignoring God, you didn't have to bother with right thinking or right living, or right anything for that matter. But do you call that a free life? What did you get out of it? Nothing you're proud of now. Where did it get you? A dead end."
 It got me to obesity and poor health!
"But now that you've found you don't have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise!
A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death.
But God's gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master."
(**My comments on how Romans 6 relates to compulsive, overeating.)
 Lord God, thank You for Your salvation. Help me to listen to Your voice only and ignore the voices of the past, the person I see in the mirror, and look only to You and Your grace. Light my way through this new life with your Word. In my Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

God in Control

God in Control

"God is in Control", a book and study guide by Dean Hagler has given me several days of deep study. The following is taken from his book and study guide:

The Godhead (God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit) was the only force in the beginning and it will be the only force at Judgement or the end (Rev.23:13). Hagler states that there are certain principles in the word of God that must guide our lives. If I deny one of these principle or truths, then I forfeit or block God as the "driver" and I leave my role as passenger and take control. I think I have the "right of way", the "right take" on the scriptures, the "right" way to do things. I listen to others or follow family traditions instead of just listening to God's written word... .... .... ... ...

Well, I don't want to block God's controll in my life. So here goes! I am just going to list these scriptures and pray over them - because without God being in control of my life - I know I will be lost! For my benefit, as a reminder to myself - I am listing the scriptures in one place so that I can come back to them in times of need - and study them once again:

1. God is the creator of life and He has all rights in regard to what He has created (Gen. 1:1 and following)
2. God created man special and created man in His image or likeness (Gen. 2:7).
3. We can relate to God. We are like Him morally and spiritually. (Gen. 1:27 & Gen.2:8)
4. God is active in the lives of men (Gen. 12:1-4; Rom. 8:28). He intends for things to work for the ultimate good of those who love Him (Gen. 50:19-20).
5. God has a plan for us and has given man direction from the beginning. His plan has different stages. (Gen. 2:15-17).
6. We are responsible for our own actions. God punishes the sinner. (Ezekiel 18:20)
7. God sent His son to pay for our sins. (John 1:1-14). This has always been His plan. (Gen. 3:15; 12:3; Galatians 3:8)
8. All men have sinned and must turn their life around (Romans 3:23). As none of us is righteous, holy, or pure, we must accept God's righteousness (Gal. 3:10-14).
9. God has provided His Spirit as a helper to those that are baptized in His Son's name (Acts 2:38; I Cor. 3:16)

So do I believe all of these scriptures? Do I accept them? Some are easier then others. Number 8 gives me trouble. I look at all the good I have done, at how far I have come....Sometimes I think I'm OK - yeah - I'm fine - I don't really need saving... then the hunger becomes compulsive again and I fail miserably! So once again, I ask God to take control and beg for help.

Number 9 is not easy either. Is baptism really needed? What if there is no water? But the Lord provided water to Philip and Ethiopian eunuch (Acts 8). They went "down into the water". Water? They were traveling the desert road. The words here indicates there was no dipping, sprinkling, - there is no evidence of those kinds of traditions found in the original Greek words that mean "down into the water - or a covering of water". So many people stop at faith only and just don't "do" the baptism thing. Good friends of mine follow their tradition because that is what has been done for years and years. Has their denominations morphed the scriptures? Is baptism the exact point of contact with the blood of the Lamb? Is baptism the beginning of our new life as Christians, our new walk with Christ? (Rom. 6:3-11)

 But how can I believe that others who believe in the Lord are not cleansed by his blood and forgiven? ~ How can I believe that millions of believers ~ those who have yet to be baptised but believe in the Lord Jesus Christ - are not yet in contact with His healing, cleansing blood? I am so relieved that I am not the Judge of this world. I rely on God and thank Him for all those who love Him and are trying day by day to follow His will.
So today I look at the scriptures again, sigh and cry, and pray for understanding. As for me, right now ~ I am not in control of the Lord's word, or how it is interpreted by others. All I can do is pray for others to let God be in control of their own lives and their own salvation. I pray, like Paul, that everyone might "continue to work out your own salvation, with fear and trembling." Phil. 2:12

I still have a great deal of studying to do on this "list". I do know that I am responsible for my life and my sins. I cannot control others and I am commanded by Christ to not judge others. (Matt. 7:1-2, Luke 6:37) - I want God to be in control of my life. I know I have free will and that I will fail often. As a christian, I believe that Christ's blood continually cleanses me if I continue to walk in the light of God's word. (1 John 1:7)

Lord God, help me and guide me always. Without your control in my life, I would be adrift in a sea of sin and failure. Fill me with your love. Help me to trust you only and not trust in my own understanding of your word and your plan for my life. Let your light and your words guide my life. Please help me to not judge others but to show them the way to Your word so that You can bring them light and life eternal. In Jesus name, Amen.

/

Temper, Temper...

 

 

Temper, Temper!

Temperment - it is an odd word. It is mostly used to describe the characteristic or habitual inclination that we have in any given situation, it also means - the act or process of tempering or modifying something or someone. It is that definition that I wanted to focus on today, mostly because I need an upgrade, a modification. If I am going to succeed at living a life without eating as a crutch, I will need to be modified greatly.

I Peter 4:12-13, "Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner." The Message Version

Same verses in New International version. ^" Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice in as much as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed"

From what I have heard in sermons, the same Greek terminology that is translated as "testing" or "refining" also is used to describe what a blacksmith does when he places the blade of a sword into the fire, over and over again. This is called tempering the metal or modifying it so that it grows stronger and stronger. At this point in my life, that is what I feel is happening to me. I am being tempered or modified. Even if it seems the pain, temptation, and loneliness are overwhelming at times, it is just preparing me for what God has in store for me. God's plan for the future here on earth includes more pain but He makes sure I am well tempered or refined before I am asked to walk through fire. Later Peter writes:

"Control yourselves. Be on your guard. Your enemy the devil is like a roaring lion. He prowls around looking for someone to chew up and swallow. Stand up to him. Stand firm in what you believe. All over the world you know that your brothers and sisters are going through the same kind of suffering. God always gives you all the grace you need. So you will only have to suffer for a little while. Then God himself will build you up again. He will make you strong and steady. And he has chosen you to share in his eternal glory because you belong to Christ. Give him the power for ever and ever. Amen." I Peter 5:8-11

I have God's promise that no matter what "tempering" or testing I go through ~ He will restore me, build me up again. He will give me a kind of strength that I can't even imagine. Is it worth the pain of being modified, upgraded? Yes! Just think, I am being prepared and changed so that I can share in eternal glory. Not just sit at the pearly gates but actually come to the throne of God and sing praises with the redeemed. Wow!

Lord, I come before you wanting to be tempered, changed, and modified. I am uncertain how that is going to be done and I am also afraid of the process. Give me strength to go back in the fire, if that is what it take to glorify you. Help me not to loose my temper when the pain starts or when others are cruel. Change me into someone who is strong and couragous. Whatever it takes, you are in control of my life. In the name of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I pray this prayer, Amen.

Majestic Name

God's glory has been everywhere in my life today! What a blessing it is to be alive, surrounded by His love and light.

"O LORD, our Lord, your majestic name fills the earth!
Your glory is higher than the heavens.
You have taught children and infants
to tell of your strength,
silencing your enemies
and all who oppose you.
When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers—
the moon and the stars you set in place—
what are mere mortals that you should think about them,
human beings that you should care for them?
Yet you made them only a little lower than God
and crowned them with glory and honor.
You gave them charge of everything you made,
putting all things under their authority—
the flocks and the herds
and all the wild animals,
the birds in the sky, the fish in the sea,
and everything that swims the ocean currents.
O LORD, our Lord, your majestic name fills the earth! "
Psalm 8 NTL

Unbroken Circle

One of my dearest friends past away recently. She was not famous, did not win the Nobel Prize, walk the red carpet, or have a hit song that was number one on the charts. Like me, she was a survivor. I met her in a support group at a Women's center in Tennessee. We were a circle of women who met in a small room. My thoughts are taken back to that time in my life. I am not a poet but I felt I should share the poem at the end of this blog post ~ as a tribute to my friend and other women encircled by the secrecy and shame of abuse. The lines with all caps are stanza or titles of hymns.

"The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit." Prov. 15:4.
.... .... .... Truth and love go hand in hand. Deceit and abuse go hand in hand. If you are a deceitful person you are abusing someone, somewhere. I have hurt so many people in my life and I hate the thought that I ever became abusive in my speech and manner. My friend Melba, was the most gentle spirit I ever knew. Her tale of abuse was 100 times worse than mine and yet I never heard anything from your mouth that was abusive. I will miss her dearly.

Dear Lord, I come to you heavy with grief for all those souls that have been abused by deceivers and liars. Help them find You and put their trust in You only. You are the great healer. Lord, please forgive me when I am not totally honest with others, when I hold back my sin and pretend I am "normal". I am so arrogant sometimes and I give advise so freely, without thinking how it sounds to others. Help me remember that Your words are light- not my words. You are the Way. Please take me ~ this broken, scarred vessel and let Your light shine through. In your name I make this prayer ~ Amen

The Circle

“WE GATHER TOGETHER TO ASK THE LORD’S BLESSINGS…”

as we did from the beginning.
Then, the only answer we received –
was inconceivable, unthinkable, and unconscionable.
Now we huddle close, chair touching chair;
A group of survivors.

While other women work
have afternoon teas
or read romance novels –

we speak with varied voices
of incest’s iniquities
rape’s ravages
and the pain we share.

“BLEST BE THE TIE THAT BINDS…”

we feel safe – bound together
against the huge wall of denial –
A wall that keeps us separated from “normality”;

A wall that keeps the outside world safe
from unpleasant thoughts:

“ Oh… they just imagined it…."

"It never happened…."
"Father would never…"
"Mother would never…"
"Brother would never…"
"Reverend Jones would never…"
"Dr. Smith would never…"
"It never happened…"
"...Never happened!”

“IN THE HOUR OF TRIAL…”

we speak of what did happen
-fear making voices waiver
-fear that it will somehow happen again.

We will do anything to stop the pain –
Run, take drugs, drink,
Be crazy, get help,

Gain girth – so we will be bigger
than our abuser was-
larger than our fears

Help is hardest;
Peeling away the burnt fleshy layers of
Heart and mind.

Peeling away
Layers uncovering rage as strong as atom bombs;
Layers of such sadness that it would take ten
     Thousand mourners
A thousand years to mourn;

Layers of guilt -
branded with the numbers – the dates
of shameful, unspeakable deeds –
scorched skin seared with words:

“You’re dirty…You’re bad…You asked for it!
You deserve it…It’s your fault!
It’s your fault!”

“WILL THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN,
           BY AND BY LORD, BY AND BY…”

A sisterhood of survivors
we inch forward.

Together, we will not be denied!
Together, we will stop the abusers.

Together, we are millions –
Circling the globe with healing.

® 1991

(All caps = Titles of hymns)

"If the LORD had not been on our side when people attacked us, they would have swallowed us alive when their anger flared against us; the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, the raging waters would have swept us away. Praise be to the LORD, who has not let us be torn by their teeth. We have escaped like a bird from the fowler’s snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped. Our help is in the name of the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 124:2-8