Sin's Voices

Sin's Voices

Picking up the pieces of my life and actually trying to eat a healthy  "Diet" has been hard this week. I am changing my whole life!  Cleaning out my pantry today was a numbing experience. Inside I was excited and I kept telling myself that I am committed to this path and I won't stop. But as I went through the process and saw what kind of foods that I was used to putting in my body, my numbness increased. My mind kept shouting, "I can never never break these habits! Other people don't know the real me, no matter how hard they try, they cannot deal with the inner person that so messed up."

 

   I have been down this path before many times. I have signed contracts, paid the weekly fees, registered online, etc. 

How am I going to keep from failing again?   I am going to reach for the only certainty that I have: God Is! Jesus lived, died, and lives again for me! If I am going to make it past these walls of painful memories that are tied to anything having to do with my body ~ I need help! I need help digging through these emotions and robotic responses that keep me marching down the same path, day after day, numbing bite after bite. I must cry out to the Lord for help.

"This is what the LORD says, He who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Jeramiah. 33:2-3

 

Sometimes I feel like David, "I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within."
The words of songs also help me. Isn't it amazing when a song plays on the radio with words that are healing and filled with truth? "Born Again" played on the radio today and spoke to me: "I was lost when You found me here. I was broken beyond repair. Then You came along and You sang Your song over me.....It feels like I'm born again. It feels like I'm living for the very first time in my life.... .Make a promise to me now, reassure my heart somehow that the love I feel is so much more real than anything."  

Will healing come in an instant?  I have learned over the years that it takes time to work through the layers of pain and abuse.
Like burn victims, I scrap away the dead layers so that new layers can heal. There are other aspects to healing from burns that are similar to the emotional and mental healing process: fighting infections, pumping liquids and nutrients into the body, and sometimes scrapping away layers again that are not healing properly. It takes time. Sometimes limbs are lost so that the body can survive. So I try to sooth my spirit with things that have helped my sick soul in the past: music, nature, scriptures, daily activities in the real world. One of those activities is writing. I write these words for myself as a record. I tell myself that each layer that is torn off, brought to light, and soothed is one more step toward healing. I hold on today to the things that I am certain of and I try to be thankful and count the blessings that I have in this moment. When it comes to eating today, I will do my best. I will try to remember that God did not forsake me, even though it felt like it thousands of times when I was being abused. I remind myself that I cannot understand His ways.

I am thankful for the Internet and all the sources of encouragement that are present there.
Lord God, help me to make it through this time of darkness and healing. I have so many memories that I can't remember. I realize that you protected me during those times of abuse by allowing me to "leave" that reality and find a safe place. Now it is time for me to uncover the lost little girl with her scars, her heart full of terror, disbelief, and rage. Help me work through this time of discovery, of redemption. Sometimes I don't want to heal because it hurts so much. Please guide me onto a healthy path. Lord thank you for sending your Son who  was beaten, abused, and killed for my sins. With his love, help me find forgiveness for what I have continued to do to my ugly body. Help me to forgive others and not bottle up the rage and anger ~ until I must stuff the pain back down with food. In Jesus name I plead and lay my burdens at Your throne ~ Amen.
Here is another song from my playlist that helped me today: