1 part Guilt + 1 part Grief

Guilt and Grief

Wednesday night I woke up about 12 times with exhausting dreams about my Dad. One of them went like this: The hospital called saying that I had to get there right away (this had happened many times over the last 6 years). I get in my car in the middle of the night and start driving but I never get there. It begins to rain, the road gets washed out, the detour takes me the opposite direction, and so on... I wake up tired, crying, and feeling guilty because I feel I did not do enough; second guessing my caregiving ability. Grief hits again. Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel guilty! It is true: I am glad that my role as caregiver is over with. That also makes me feel guilty!

My father had live in caregivers and day shift caregivers. I lived only 2 hours away and called 3 to 4 times a day to coordinate schedules, see how he was doing, etc. As I left work every day, the care givers would have him up from his nap and ready to talk to me on the phone. I spent all holidays there and was the main caregiver during those weeks. (Had summer off and spent 2 to 3 months there.)

I know the guilt is all part of the grieving process but is so tiring. I retired right before his massive stroke (disability retirement). God has not given me something that I cannot bear. If I was having to work, I don't know if I could have dealt with his last strokes, the hospice period, his death, and settling his estate.

Stopping the role of an active caregiver is so hard - being responsible for the daily, even hourly needs of someone. Praying as you rush to the hospital becomes part of your life.

An algebra lesson on variables popped into my head this week. Definition of a variable: (1). a quantity that can change or vary, taking on different values (2). a letter or symbol representing a varying quantity. So my daily equation lately has been:

1 part Guilt + 1 part Grief = G2G (Go 2 God)The dreams and feelings that are overwhelming me at times about my father are 1 part guilt + 1 part grief. Part of my guilt is weight related. I would set myself weightoss goals to please my father and then I would fail again and again. I have learned that changing yourself to please someone else does not work. With this blog I hope to study emotions and find out what works and what God's will is for me each day.

During these days of confusion brought on by guilt and grief my prayer is to be drawn closer to God - and my mantra is just to take it one step at a time and to breathe...

Lord God, please help me to know what to do with this overwhelming grief and guilt. You are in control and I cannot deal with all the emotions that are swarming around me. I have taken a path toward healing when it comes to my eating compulsions. Please help me to continue that process. I realize that my healing is not happening in a void - that I must learn to live with my life, the death of my Dad, and my past abuse. Lord take control of all of this today. In my Redeemer's name, I pray. Amen.