Unclean Redeemed

Unclean Redeemed

Have you ever felt invisible? There are times when I feel like people don't see me - the real me. There are many times when obesity = invisibility. Those people who do look at me for just a second and then quickly look away are probably thinking, "Boy, I'm glad I don't look like that!" I sat in the back of many a church assembly and watched people greet and visit members and guests around them. What I have noticed and what research shows, people gravitate toward physically attractive people. Those that are obese but dress to the nines and are cheerful are included more readily. For those of us who are obese the following facts and examples hit too close to home:

"Clear discrimination against overweight people has been documented in three areas: education, health care, and employment. The reason for this appears to be very strong anti-fat attitudes. For example, 28% of teachers in one study said that becoming obese is the worst thing that can happen to a person; 24% of nurses said they are 'repulsed' by obese persons; and, controlling for income and grades, parents provide less college support for their overweight children than for their thin children. "(from Stigma and Discrimination in Weight Loss Management by Dr. Kelly Brownell) http://naafaonline.com%20(the/ following links are film clips of two models that dressed as size 22 women and how they were treated. Clip #1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE1Z-si4skY Clip #2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2SBKdik_gc Clip #3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3X031RoEZvw )

 

Why do I bring all this up? Several reasons. Today I was sitting in services next to someone larger than myself and I was wishing that I was somewhere else. I wanted to be included in the crowds of people who were "seen". I wanted to distance myself from those that were obese and even from myself - distance myself from my own body.

 

Then I remembered the parable of the Samaritan. "When he saw the man's condition, his heart went out to him". The priest and the Levite "saw" the man but did nothing - the injured man was invisible. The hero of this story was considered unclean, unredeemable, and despised by the Jews who were hearing the story. Jesus taught compassion and humility by making the hero of the story someone who knew what it felt like to feel invisible.

 

Where do I see myself in this story? I am the person beaten and left for dead in my sin, confusion, and despair. However, as the Lord has lifted me up, starting the healing process, and given me some success with weightloss - every once in a while, I also see myself as someone who wants to travel on the other side of the path from the abused and beaten; someone who wants to walk with the "normal looking" crowd, say a quick hello and then run past the complex, time consuming problems of the invisible obese, elderly, poor, or downtrodden in the congregation.

When I feel this way, I give myself a good kick and remember that God saw me when I was down and out. He loved and accepted me ~ as I was ~ obese and discouraged. I pray that I can get past this fog of sin and disfunctional way of seeing the world and love myself and others as He loved me.

 

 I Cor. 13:12 "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"

Sarah said in Gen. 16, "You're the God who sees me! "Yes! He saw me; and then I saw him!"

"We love each other because He first loved us"

I John 4:19.
 

Dear Lord, Please help me today to trust in You for my deliverance from obesity. I know that I cannot loose weight without your help. There are too many failures weighing me down and I am so used to the ditch where life has left me to cry in pain. You are my only help Lord! You have forgiven my sins, washed me white as snow, and now it is my turn to help others. Lord forgive me when I am drawn to the "in" crowd and walk past those who need your love the most. Lord help me walk in Your light and guide me on the path of life. In the name of Christ, the Light of the World, I pray ~ Amen.

Tuning Up

Tuning Up

Jesus loves me unconditionally. Why is that so hard to believe? Is it because the people that were suppose to love me - love the cute baby from birth - just could not show love. If someone doesn't know what unconditional love feels like - how do you recognize it when it is offered? The answers to these questions are still unclear to me. I believe but I pray each day for God to help my unbelief!

"And now I have it all—and keep getting more! ...You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes!" Phil. 18-20.

I have to keep reminding myself that Christ accepts me the way I am ~ blind, scarred by life, wounded, and fearful. Charles Stanley puts it this way: " He (God) never expects you to "get good" before you "get God" - There isn't a situation in your life that is beyond His awareness, His concern, and His tender care."

 

"Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God." Psalm 43:4

In my life, I was surrounded by tone deaf musicians of love. The lessons that they taught were warped by fear, anger, and discord. I feel that God is tenderly reteaching me, reworking me into an instrument of joy and love that can, eventually, live a love song of praise to Him. He is the great Maestro, retuning my heart for unconditional love and a joyous celebration of praise.

Lord Father, thank you for Your Son, who gave His life - unconditionally. Take my life and conduct each stanza, each beat. Tune my heartstrings to love as Christ did - unconditionally, sacrificially, with joy and trust. To You be all the glory, and through Christ's name I pray this prayer and sing your praise! Amen.

It Is Well, With My Soul

It is Well, With My Soul

Today I needed a lesson on perserverance. Sometimes I just have to say to myself, "There is a world of people with more pain and problems than you." I honestly have to say that this thought helps me. Not that I would wish pain on others but that my problems are small speed bumps in life compared to what others must suffer. I found this video clip about the the man who wrote the words to the hymn "It is Well, With My Soul". It inspired me a great deal:

He Is With You

The weather has changed and I am hurting. I rejoice that I have lost over 40 pounds! A new year is starting but all I can see today is pain. It helps to know God is watching and listening, even when our prayers are just a moan.
"The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are open to their prayers." I Peter 3:11

Below is a wonderful song that helped me today. The pain seems unbearable, so I take medication and then I can't think straight.  I thank God for his love and the messages of hope and courage that songs like this give. They are inspired by God and His love for us.

Wholly Holy

Wholly Holy

"A holy response comes from a wholly committed heart". In the Book of Numbers I read the story of Joshua who was "wholly committed to follow the Lord". The Bible mentions five more times that he wholly followed the Lord. To do this, every part of his life had to be centered on God and His holy purpose - ready to follow at any minute, with no excuse or second thought.

I am at that point in my life when it is hard to "go" anywhere in a wheelchair. I still want to be open to God's calling. If God calls me to a task, I want to respond without excuses. I am at a new stage in my life: retired, getting healthy, loosing weight, no longer a caregiver to my Dad. At times of great change Satan can sneak in. So tonight I am praying for guidance for many decisions.

"Open up before God, keep nothing back;
he'll do whatever needs to be done:
He'll validate your life in the clear light of day
and stamp you with approval at high noon. " Psalm 37:5 (the Message version)

"Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3 (NIV)

I realize that such commitment to follow wholly - means that I must pay a price. Whatever that price is, I am sure that it cannot compare to the glory to come and the joy and peace that following Jesus on earth will bring. I am just reaching a point where the emotional barriers are coming down, and I am becoming a free person, with daily choices to make. For many years the daily choice was easy ~ die or live, drown in despair or survive, get help or give up. That battle is not as intense anymore. So many victories have been won - thanks to God's love and forgiveness. Now, there are more good days than days full of anguish. I am asking God to use me but I am not sure what His answer is for me tonight. So I will continue to work on weight loss, eating healthy, and learning how to mature as a Christian. The wholly committed life is not easy but I know the Lord will give me strength.

 

Lord, I am at a cross roads in my life. I pray that you will accept my cracked earthen vessel as your home and let me serve you wholly. Without Your love and grace, I would be nothing. Guide me day by day, for without the light of Your presence, I am blind and do not know what to do. Lord, for those who are struggling, I pray that they receive guidance and hope. Where ever you need me to go - I will go. Whatever you want me to do - I will do. With Christ as my mirror and my Savior, I pray this prayer. Amen.

Tick, Tock

Tick, tock...
A new year! We had a white Christmas and I am staying inside a great deal. This week I have been trying to go through my father's personal papers - boxes and boxes. There were birth certificates and death certificates from relatives that I never met; pictures and letters from people who knew my parents or my grandparents but these things mean nothing to anyone who is living now. So I am left exhausted again and the urge to eat overtakes me.

It is a hard thing to do but I have to stop and try to figure out what is causing this "hunger". I really think that today I am facing the sense of my own mortality and loneliness. I have not children. I have very little family left. My extended family (that are still alive) never contact me. Every time I have contact with them, I make the effort to connect but we just don't have anything in common and I find it difficult when they buy into the disfunctional family system and the lies told about the abusers in the family. The wall of denial that they put up when I am around seems to be impossible to cross. So I am left with no family to visit during the holidays.  I know that the greed and lies in my family system are smokescreens for the sins and secrets that the family wants to hide from. So they look for a scap goat. There is great evil at work in that family system; suicides abound in each generation and nothing gets better - just worse.
So today - with all of this - I want to stuff the loneliness, the anger, the disappointment, and my personal insecurities about growing older. I do this by numbing out with eating and more eating. Holiday candy is every where- and on sale!  So with all this sadness weighing on my heart causing a black hole of hunger... I go to the only place where the truth can be found. I go to the scriptures:

Psalm 90:10 and then I read another passage: "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return." Gen. 3:19

 

 Whoa! Not a very encouraging thought... but as Paul Harvey used to say:

"And now for the rest of the story". Romans 6:5: "If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection!"

 

From Genesis on ~ every birth comes with Satan's deliberate signature of death written across our souls. I have to face it - I am destined to die. The older I get, the faster the years seem to fly and every month I am hearing of the death of someone that is my age or older. Now I live in a senior community and the siren sound of ambulances pierce the air every week. It is human nature to do anything to escape the tick, tock of my own doom's day clock - even as I mark my mortality with yearly celebrations such as birthdays or another winter holiday season.

 

 The rest of the story is: Christ is waiting to place his signature of life on my soul chained by death's chiming. Christ's signature erases Satan's handwriting. To get His signature, there are no long lines, no game levels to conquer, no payments and no one can stop Him from writing His name on my heart - no lies told by family can take it away. He gives His signature freely. He writes the signature with His own blood and grants me a never ending life stamped with God's own spirit.

Am I ever glad that I went to His word today to help with my depression, my fears, my anger, my sorrows!

Did it help with the eating and hunger? Yes, today it did! I passed by the aisles of candy and got some bottled water instead. I could not have done it without God filling my life, placing in my mind and heart His love, His healing balm. Thank heaven that my sins have been forgiven so that God can touch my life today and fill my every day with His glory. What do I need that the Lord has not already provided?!?

"Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more. ...People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. " Luke 12

Lord God, thank you for helping me through another very rough day! Lord watch over those members of my family and guide them to the truth. Help them to overcome their greed and open their eyes to the truth. Lord, let me go to your word, which continually reminds me that no scheme of man can pluck me from Your hand. Lord, give me patience and love and help me to know what to do when it comes to my family. I have tried all my life to open their eyes to the truth but they are floating around in a grey mist trying to deflect the truth of abuse with secrecy and lies. If it is Your will that I keep on trying, please guide me in that direction and give me the strength to once more take the abuse, the slander, and the pain that comes with it. It hurts so much Lord, and it opens the memories and wounds of physical, sexual, verbal, and mental abuse. Lord thank you for your promise of eternal life with You. Without that vision, I would perish. Thank you for giving me all I need. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.