Broken Pieces
My search for the solution to loosing weight has led me again to how broken and abnormal I am. I am so tired of this mental and emotional war. Time and time again I thought that I had made it to a peaceful place but I found that it was one more battle won - not the end of the war! ................. ........ In this blog I am going to be honest so here it goes: I am scared - to my very core! I am scared that if I loose weight I will be abused again. No one protected me before. No one! How can I get past this? When I am afraid, when I think of losing weight, I become the six year old begging God to make it stop but then - no answer came. How can I get past this? A pathetic, whimpering twelve year old laying on the bathroom floor crying out, "I'll be good Mommy, please Mommy stop, I'll be good". How can I get past this? A thirty seven year old women that was just seeing daylight and had lost sixty five pounds but instead of saving a twenty year marraige ~ forced to watch as life shattered again and a covenant was broken.
I try to make emotional plans to deal with loosing weight. I tell myself that I won't face the scales when I weigh and no one is going to tell me or congratulate me when I loose weight ~ maybe that will work. Or maybe I will shave my head, wear a scarf or bad wig, put dark circles under my eyes with make-up ~ then as I loose weight people will think that I have cancer and they won't complement me. Good idea, right? Well, no ~ it is just me running away from the truth. Deep down I truely believe that if I am bigger than my abusers, I can't get hurt. If I am huge then I can keep a barrier between myself and being hurt again. If I am unhealthy and obese my choices are limited and I physically CAN'T deal with life's challenges. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. Others out there are living the same kind of life. The only way I am going to get through this is with the help of a therapist who will guide me through the mine field of pain and scars. But mostly - I know in my mind and heart that I can only be victorious with God's help.
I know that God was with me through the years. He provided me with a mind that was inventive enough to "leave" when the abuse was at its worse. Disassociation and hiding behind masks became my way of dealing with my life. I would walk through my life like a little doll (then as I grew older a version of the "Barbie" doll). I acted the part on the outside but the real me was hidden - a puppet being dangled and jerked about by my controllers. I think children of acoholics and children of abuse learn to stay on their guard and then do something, anything to survive. The problem with disassoicating yourself from life is that it is hard to reconnect to the normal world when you want to walk the path back to normality. It is hard to tell the truth from the lies ~ the real from the unreal. You feel like a ghost walking through your childhood and marriage ~ there but not really there. Throughout my life the thought was always there: If they knew the real me, the broken, dirty, evil person that the abuser thought needed to be cleansed and punished ~ they would turn away and run.
As early as eight years old, I could not stand to look in the mirror. So I painted on a smile but underneath I was screaming and wanting everything to end. Every time I thought that I would end my life, at the right time someone or something came into my life. That lifeline helped me take another breath, another step. It could be a song on the radio, a TV show, a person calling me to say hello. I have made it through so much but this battle ahead is going to be one of the hardest. Loosing weight means that I must deal with the body image issue and let the ghost come out into the light.
I know that God was with me through the years. He provided me with a mind that was inventive enough to "leave" when the abuse was at its worse. Disassociation and hiding behind masks became my way of dealing with my life. I would walk through my life like a little doll (then as I grew older a version of the "Barbie" doll). I acted the part on the outside but the real me was hidden - a puppet being dangled and jerked about by my controllers. I think children of acoholics and children of abuse learn to stay on their guard and then do something, anything to survive. The problem with disassoicating yourself from life is that it is hard to reconnect to the normal world when you want to walk the path back to normality. It is hard to tell the truth from the lies ~ the real from the unreal. You feel like a ghost walking through your childhood and marriage ~ there but not really there. Throughout my life the thought was always there: If they knew the real me, the broken, dirty, evil person that the abuser thought needed to be cleansed and punished ~ they would turn away and run.
As early as eight years old, I could not stand to look in the mirror. So I painted on a smile but underneath I was screaming and wanting everything to end. Every time I thought that I would end my life, at the right time someone or something came into my life. That lifeline helped me take another breath, another step. It could be a song on the radio, a TV show, a person calling me to say hello. I have made it through so much but this battle ahead is going to be one of the hardest. Loosing weight means that I must deal with the body image issue and let the ghost come out into the light.
I am diabetic, with major circulation problems in my legs. If I do not loose the weight, I could loose my life. So I will go forward, broken and abnormal as I am and pray that the healing will come. I write in this blog to help with the healing and to share with my therapist my thoughts and emotions. I have recently decided to open this blog up to others who might be going through a similuar journey - from broken lives to whole lives. No matter what I say in this blog - the only healing, joy, or love that I might accomplish - comes from the Lord. If I make it out of this ordeal alive - it will be only a life lived with God in control, Christ as my mirror, and the Spirit interceding for me. I hope that I do not offend anyone but it is, after all, my journey of truth being reported. My goal is to write an honest account of my daily thoughts, concerns, battles, and victories. I want to be able to come back and read the scriptures that encouraged me as I move toward the person God wants me to be. Until complete healing comes - I will try to hold on for dear life....
Revelation 21:6 "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life."
Isaiah 32:2 "Each man will be like a shelter from the wind and a refuge from the storm, like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a thristy land." God provided me with a mental shelter as I went through life, a way to block the full emotional experience of abuse. Now it is time for me to face all the broken places in my life ~ the ones caused by others and the ones that I caused myself.... I am so broken... but Christ was broken for me so that I could be healed.I will hold on to that thought.Lord, I plead for your healing hand again. I realize that healing sometimes comes in waves. I am so broken and only you can help me put the pieces of my life together and learn to live without falling back on the numbing power of food. Thank you for your mercy and love. In Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.
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