A New Beginning

A New Beginning

 At one time I weighed 365 pounds! For a 5 foot 4 inch female that was a tremendous burden. I got down to 300 and maintained that weight - through a divorce, putting myself through college, the death of my mother, two layoffs, a ten year career as a 5th grade teacher, four major surgeries, and taking care of my elderly father for four years. Through all of this I managed to hold on and not gain weight. 2009 was extremely difficult and began to gain weight again. I was forced to go on permanent disability after shattering my left femur in a fall, my father had two major strokes and passed away after 20 days of hospice, and the caregiver that was taking care of me stole over $4,000 from my bank accounts. Going through old papers, pictures, documents, color slides, old VHS tapes has taken almost four years and through it all health issues piled up. I kept going to physical therapy but my weight held me back. I had an extreme reaction to a medication and was hospitalized with Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. The steroids they used to save my life damaged my pancreas and I was put on insulin. My depression grew.

In March of 2012 I had reached 336 pounds. I was watching TV and a bariatric clinic was advertising their payment plan. So I called them and they said to call my insurance first. I found out that my insurance would cover bariatric surgery! My doctor approved and said he would monitor me and my therapist (mental) will help me through the emotional part of loosing the weight. It is so hard to believe that I can overcome years of negative, toxic words and depression. I have failed so many times! Many people who have bariatric surgery gain the weight back. I write this blog to face the pain, hunger, and the void that I keep trying to fill with food.  I am so used to surviving by putting on a mask or trying to please others. I trust no one and I am heart sore.
With so many ads, products, and promotions for loosing weight ~ I turn to God and His word:

Psalm 63:1 "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."

I know in my mind that He will guide me. Now I pray that my emotions buried under layers of scars and hurt will be healed and His truth will light the way through to heal my heart and soul. With out this "diet" of truth, it will be hard to take down the mask that I hold up in public - the mask that I use to keep safe.

Lord, I come before you now longing for guidance. Help me to not be afraid. Give me boldness and self-control when it comes to dieting. Lord I thirst for your love and I want to be healed by your hand. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Masks from centralfilms on GodTube.