Jungle Out There

Dieting ~ well the last two days have been good. I am recording what I am eating and keeping busy or resting. Keeping busy is important and evenings are the hardest time of day. The cravings come hard and heavy ~ especially when all the commercials on TV are about food! There is one that is playing now from an ice cream store. They just shout the words ice cream, cake, ice cream, cake, ~ over and over again while showing flashes of ice cream and cake. Normally this wouldn't even tempt me but this time I was ready to get out into the car and drive there!

I am thankful for every minute that God helps me get through without falling into despair or pigging out. He is my only strength.

I have been reading Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light, Releasing the burdens you were never intended to bear ~ the Promise of Psalm 23". In the chapter "It's a jungle out there" he talks about Psalm 23:3

 ~ "He restores my soul." The book reminded me of several scriptures.

 In II Peter 2:11 "...you are like foreigners and strangers in this world".

 God encourages me to lift my eyes from the jungle of temptations, fears, and hopelessness in Col. 3:2 ~ "Don't shuffle along, eyes on the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ... see things from His perspective."

 

One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 121 ~ "I lift my eyes to the hills - Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth...The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life."

So as I go through these days, struggling minute by minute to do what is right, to conquer fears and memories, and to forge new habits ~ I will try to remember who is watching over my whole life.

Lord God Almighty, thank you for  help as I try to eat healthy. I am such a habit-bound, compulsive eater. My sin is ever before me and I feel like I am lost in a jungle of emotions. Help me find a lighted path to your salvation. I know that this will only happen when I follow Jesus, my Redeemer, my life. It is in His name I pray for mercy today, Amen.

Raging Flood

 

Raging Flood

I have been reading Max Lacado's book "Traveling Light" which is a study of Psalm 23. He talks in great length about David the shepherd and what sheep are like. The idea of "still waters" at this time in my life is very appealing. I also love these scriptures:

Isaiah 12:3 - "With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation."

Isaiah 49:10 - "They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them.
He who has compassion on them will guide them and lead them beside springs of water."

Have I mentioned that I have been having nightmares a great deal? Floods! In every kind of dream! I will be dreaming about rushing around to get ready for the estate sale (which is thankfully over with). Then all of sudden the floods come rushing or darkly creeping in.  My nights are filled with dreams of raging floods or swirling high water. One online source says the dreams represent: "emotional issues and tension (duh!). Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. (I'll say!). Consider where the flood is for clues as to where in your waking life is causing you stress and tension." So, most of my floods are family related, death related, and near my Dad's home or my own home. I am either trying to save my Dad or my brother or me. ... ... ... ...

There is nothing I can do about Dad since he has passed away. Today  I remembered a time when I took Dad to the dentist and sat in a chair and watched. I was remembering how he made everyone laugh, made everyone feel at ease. Thinking about that time made the flood of emotions crash down on me and I began to cry!

 

When it comes to dealing with my mentally ill brother and the rest of my family - this scripture came to mind today:

Hebrews 11:7 - "By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith." ... ..

 

. ... My problem is that I cannot save my brother and my family is and was always a mess! They would not get into the ark of "normality". Dysfunctional to the core! Secrets, denial, suicides in every generation, alcoholism, eating disorders, and on and on. My brother will not take meds and fearfully roams around convinced conspiracies are in every bathroom, gas station, everywhere! All I can do is pray for my family. Since my Dad's death I have not heard from them.

 

 So will I be condemned to dream of floods forever? Do I sound like a silly sheep? Probably. I will try to work on the overwhelming feelings, emotional issues, etc. in therapy, also continue to praying and study the word. In the mean time, I try to fill my mind with helping others, doing what I can do, and music:

Lord, thank you for saving me over and over again from the flood. I cannot survive life's overwhelming sorrows, confusion, and pain without your love and forgiveness. You are my savior, my captain, my life. Forgive me when I do not trust you. In the name of my savior I pray, Amen.

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My All

 

My All in All

Courage to heal ~ courage to deal ~ courage to give up self and cling to Jesus for everything ~ that is what it takes for me to wake up in the morning, get dressed and face another day without my "crutch", my addiction. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." This is not an easy time for me. Food has been my immediate comfort. There have been days, weeks, years that it was almost my every thought. Crazy, right?! Not really. When life is unbearable, when memories are filled with horror, when it seems everyone has failed you and you are alone ~ something must fill that void. Many turn to their jobs and become "work-oholics" with no room for God, family, or anything else. You probably know someone with an addiction - a compulsive need for something that overpowers their thoughts and actions. They feel like they have no choice - they must smoke, drink, lie, gamble, steal, etc. Eating as an addiction presents a problem because food is needed to survive. Well, with me it is different. Once I start eating ~ I find it hard to stop eating. I dream about food! How can I conquer this obsession, this compulsive behavior. I have found the only way to do this is to fill my mind and life with something else. So off I go and become a compulsive Christian "do-gooder". I overpower people with my "mission", my longing to be useful and "at work" for the Lord. But isn't this just another behavior that I am using to "fill" my compulsive mind? Sometimes. It is so hard not to fill one compulsion with another. Many times I am still so tormented by my "need" for foods that have comforted me for decades, that I feel like I am in a storm of self-doubt and memories of all the times I have failed in the past. I cry out to the Lord in middle this dark fury of need and He rebukes the winds and waves of my confusion, my chaotic hungry thoughts and tells them to "Be still!". I know that only in Jesus and His word can I find what I need to fill the void in my life.

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

2 Peter 1: "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires."

Desires - desires that are unhealthy and can and will cause corruption, compulsion, and death ~ if those desires are not dealt with. God is the only Way, the only healing power, the only One who can fill the void in my life.

Over the years, one scripture in particular has helped me greatly when my emotions cause me to have overwhelming hunger ~

Phil. 4:8-9 " Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. "

The answer ~ The God of peace will be with me, when I am still and thinking of something other than my compulsion. Sometimes it is a song or scripture or just going out and watering my plants and searching for God's glory in the natural world around me. He grants serenity. He is sufficient (2 Cor.12:9) and I can conquer my cravings, my longings, my addiction to food with His help (Romans 8:37).

My God, I come to you today with such longing, such hunger! Please Lord help me be still and really know that You are my everything. Help my unbelief, Lord. I am so weak and I fall back into my compulsive behavior again and again. I know when I call on You - all things are possible with Your help! I ask for that help again today. Thank you for your precious gift of life and mercy. In the name of Jesus, my all in all, I pray, Amen.

 

On Eagle's Wings

On Eagle's Wings

I realize that some days I will not be able to write a blog entry. The diet I am on for post lapband surgery is really the best for me. Like I have said before - I prayed about what to do. I have been fighting an infection near the port site (where the portal that the needle goes in to inflate or deflate the lapband is placed). This port is sewn to a muscle under my left breast. I have been on pain meds, antibiotics, etc. The last two days have sent my blood sugar on a roller coaster ride. I stayed in bed most of one day but tried to eat and stay on the program. I carefully monitored my blood sugar levels. Could it be that my body is getting used to less carbs? I am not used to eating so much and so slowly (lots of veggies). Could this be the problem?

As I napped and read, the thought of "eagles wings" kept coming to mind. I need to be "raised up on eagle's wings" every day ~ held in the palm of God's hands.

Lord Almighty, hold me up and help me from plunging into deep depression today. I want to live a new, healthy life with You. Please guide me as I go through these feelings that are brought to mind when food is the issue and when the past scars keep past hurts walled up. Set me free so that I might be of service to You, so that I can open my arms wide and love others. I know Lord that my path lies to the foot of the cross and salvation comes from Jesus and his sacrificial offering for my sins, my past, and my disfunctional life. It is through His name I pray this prayer today, Amen.

The Lonely Road

The Lonely Road

Why is Sunday the loneliest day of the week? I think it is because I miss the fellowship of Christians. Due to my emotional problems and my physical disability, I find it difficult to get to the church building. When discussing it with Christians at the fellowship where I have "membership", I have heard this comment more than once: "Isn't there a place closer to your house where you can worship?" The pain of this attitude and insensitivity haunts me today again. I already feel like I don't belong any place. I already feel like no one could possible accept me - the real me - that was battered and abused, that is now healing but struggling with so many feelings. I know if I go to church, I will probably cry because grief and guilt are so close to the surface. Isn't there any place where keening is accepted? We live in such a puritanically society where emotions that are expressed loudly are met with, "Can't you find someone to help you?", "Shouldn't you be in therapy?", "Just pray and the pain will pass". ... In other cultures, people are hired to keen, weep, and wail at funerals. Why? To make sure that those that are mourning feel comfortable in crying out loud and to direct the attention of others toward the loudest sound, the ones ripping their cloths and pounding their chests. I long for keeners! I long for someone to be there and comfort me during the darkest time or even the times that sneak up on you - when you find yourself crying for no reason that you can pinpoint. The feeling of loneliness is overpowering sometimes. Sundays - people fellowship and praise God together - together. Sundays - people go out to eat and laugh over weekly events or just a toddler trying to get a carrot stick up their nose while sitting in a restaurant highchair. Sundays - fellowship with a party atmosphere - afternoon bridal showers, meals in homes followed by afternoon games - football on TV, Wii or Nintedo, or just watching through the window and sipping iced tea as children play in the backyard, inventing their own games. Sundays - the redeemed come together before the table to remember the best gift - salvation through a Lamb's blood, splattered on the doorstep of sinful hearts. What ever happen to Christians bringing the Lord's Supper to the homebound and the sick? Do we have to request this visit? Why should we beg and plead for visitors? Who will take the effort to invite a wounded, disabled mess to their feast - their "party"? Do I have to be the one to make sure the house is handicapped accessable? Do I have to drive to a house ahead of time and "scope it out"? I asked to be placed in a fellowship group or life group that was close to where I live and handicapped accessable - but I have never heard a word? No, I never had a call. What ever happened to friends like the ones in Mark 2:1-5 that actually tore a hole in a roof to make sure their friend could be at Jesus feet. ... ... ...

Today, I feel lonely and betrayed. I "went" on mission fields when few would go. I know I am nothing and any effort I made in the past was nothing... any reward heavenly. I did those things joyfully (or as joyful as an emotional survivor with unresolved issues could). But if I could go and help others - as wounded and flawed as I was, why can't others come to me on paved roads, into a subdivision that is accessed by five major roads?... .... ...

I know God was and is always with me but I feel lonely and sick with sorrow today. One of the greatest dangers being in the presence of loneliness too long is its companion - bitterness. .... .... ....

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted" David said this in Psalm 25:16. .... .... Moses cried to his people, "What great nation has a god as near to them as the Lord, our God, is near to us?". ... .... "God...will never leave you or forsake you" Deut. 31:6. .... .... .... ....

So today, like many, many days, I have a choice to make: run away from the loneliness and bitter pain by eating, numbing out with movies and lots of food OR opening the drapes, letting the sun shine in and run toward Jesus, viewing the world and my problems as though they were behind me - with Christ before me. It is a hard choice: stretching away the sore muscles of pain's past and setting foot - in front of foot - - going forward (even if it is with a walker). ... .... ... For this moment - I choose Christ. My prayer is that I will always run forward with Christ instead of staying in the dark valley of loneliness. He fought the loneliness of Gethsemane, where the darkness and burden of all our sins forced him face down in the dirt. However, He split the heavens of hope open wide with His resurrection ~ showing us a lighted path out of loneliness and despair. So because He fought loneliness and won, I can do it! Thinking about Him and His love for me - I feel less lonely. ... ... .... .... "Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith." Heb. 12:1-2 .... .....

Lord, help me out of the dark, bitter place called loneliness. Help me to think of others that are lost without hope, instead of wondering why pain lingers like a ghost in every room of my house. Thank you for Jesus and His gift of love. Help me look at Him ~ as I climb out of despair and run the daily race. Through His name I pray, Amen. ..... ....