Issues

Issues

Every time I turn on the TV or read a newspaper I am overwhelmed by the anger, frustration, and disgust that is present there. This chaos of voices and endless arguments and debates leaves a stain, a blot on my day. Instead of walking in God's love, peace and hope, the path of politics and issues leads me to despair. For many years I just ignored any voice filled with fear and anger, I would not look at anyone with a face constipated with rage and fear. I was raised surrounded with opinionated, judgemental people who thought their opinion was the only right one.  Like many survivors of abusive, that lived in unsafe homes, the atmosphere of discord makes me shut down or flee!

Recently I read a quote by Jack Exum,

"Issues come and go. How you handle the issue, is the real issue."

Amen!

In John 8, Jesus was surrounded by swarms of people. He was trying to teach them the basics of life ~ what really mattered.

"The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, "Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?.....Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, "The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone. .... Jesus once again addressed them: I am the world's Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in."

The Pharisees wanted to side track Jesus from his main message of love and forgiveness, of being a servant instead of a master.

It is not the politics and issues of our day that should be my focus; healthcare reform, right versus left, etc. Jesus is pointing to a way past the chaos, beyond the "issue" or all the arguing about government or laws. The law of love reigns when Jesus, the Light of the world leads the way. All the issues become clearer and anger, arguing, and hatred fall back into the shadows. Love is the answer, for God is love and the first commandments must be followed first: Love God and then love your neighbor.

Paul speaks to Romans and to us today:

"If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face. Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody. " (Romans 12 - The Message)

Dear Lord, I am confused by politics and the chaos and fear that spread more and more each day around me. Since my health is not the best, the healthcare debate is very upsetting and causes me to worry about my future. Lord help me remember that you are in control. Help me focus on voices filled with love and focus on the light of Your grace. I have been blessed to live in a country where I have a voice and a vote. Help me to see past the red faces and raised voices. Prepare me to be a light that burns bright with love. You cause nations to fall and raise them up. Forgive me when I doubt your mighty hand and loving plan for my life and my country. In Christ, I pray this prayer, Amen.

Sweet Trust

Sweet Trust

The God of Love has sent me down a path that is shrouded in fog and pain. I can't see what is to come but I know that Christ is my guide and will save me from any holes, cliffs, or sharp turns that I cannot see or anticipate. Even though I can't see ahead, I walk by faith. Am I good at walking by faith? No, not always. So I go to the scriptures for help and I look for examples of other Christians that have gone through trials and were able to trust in the Lord. They were rewarded, some of them in this life.

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

Below is a film clip about the author of the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns. The story is about trust ~ even in times when it seems impossible to take another step. This clip reminded me that God's people keep loving their Lord with all their hearts, minds, soul, body ~ their whole being.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1Cor. 13:4-7

Lord, thank you for your wonderful love and the ultimate gift of love, your forgiveness due to Christ's sacrifice on the cross, for my sins. It is only through the cleansing power of that blood, that I can walk in your holy, presence and talk to you justified ~ Just as if I'd never sinned against you. Glory to your holy name! Lord, I am so weak and pain makes it difficult to think straight. Oh, God help me to love you with a pure heart and rejoice in your truth, your word to me. Help me trust in you for everything. Lord, pain and illness isolates me so often. Please help me find ways to reach out to others and love them, just as you loved me. Thank you for another day filled with your love instead of filling the day obsessing about food. I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.

Less of Me

Hunger and Thirst

It is one of those days. Nothing seems to keep me from the need to binge. What is wrong with me?!?

 

 Well, I know that there is a great deal of emotional stress with any major change. I need something to fill in the empty void. I need something to block the feelings that hurt too much. Food has always been my answer.

 

With God's help and guidance, I have been loosing weight. But on days like today, I am once again shipwrecked on an island of despair and surrounded by unhealthy "saltwater" to drink. That is all I see! (The more you drink saltwater to stop the thirst - the thirstier you get.) For me it is not really saltwater - it is sweets. I get so filled with sorrow, memories that are painful, and compulsive thoughts that race around in my head - that I need something else to replace those things. So I fill up on sweets. But like saltwater - one piece of candy is not enough.

 

I know what I have to do, the only thing that really helps me: ~ Go to God and His word to fill me up, to replace the need for sweets.

Matthew 5:6 says: "Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled." NKJV

 

 I really like the Message version of this passage:

"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink is the best meal you'll ever eat." WOW!

 

Most of the time I find it easy to "hunger and thirst for righteousness" and I do have an appetite for God and His love. However, I think there is another step in this process that I do not find easy. I must continually empty myself first before I can be "filled" with His glory. That emptying process is constant and it is very difficult for me. Sometimes I want to keep what I am used to: abuse, failure, sorrow, scars, and chaos. I must remember and keep my eyes on the salvation of the Lord.

 "It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful. If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken." 2 Cor. 4:6-11(Message)

So my prayer again today ~ my longing is to be emptied of self; of past abuse, fears,failures, and chaos. Only then can I be filled with God's light and love. I know that if I can do that - I will not be hungry and thirsty again.

 

Lord God, have mercy on me today and every day on this journey to better health physically, emotionally, and spiritually! I am caught in a web of poor eating habits and I am trying to break free. Please help me to empty myself of pride, of self, and yes, help me to leave behind the abused little girl. Fill me with your hope and love so that I can set my feet forward on the road to success, when it comes to controlling my eating. You are worthy to be praised for eternity and it is my desire to spend my life singing your praises and spreading the good news of your loving grace. Through Jesus' name, I make this petition, Amen.

Firm Foundation

Firm Foundation
Today was a day of doctor visits, specialists in their field. Last night it was hard to sleep, hard to breath in and out. Test results, more tests to take, and more pain seem to be my future. Numbing the fear by eating mindlessly has been my solution most of my life. Changing that behavior is so difficult. For most of my life I have been surrounded by people who base their perceptions, their truths on fear. Their life is based in judging others so that they can feel safe. Truth, love, and forgiveness is not part of their foundation. I pray for them every day but I have to move forward with my life. When it comes to my disfunctional family, I share Paul's wish:

Col. 2:2"I want their hearts to be made cheerful and strong. I want them to be joined together in love. Then their understanding will be rich and complete. "
As for my own personal fears about my health and my future ~ well, I have always dreamed and longed for a "home". Perhaps this is because I was a military kid or perhaps it is because home was never a safe place to exist. Maybe that is why I love the scriptures about "building" a life or making a home. 1 John4:17-18, "God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. (The Message)"

Forming a strong foundation of love in my life is a goal I am working on every day. I have been crippled in more ways than one but when love runs freely throughout my heart, then freedom from worry and a sense of sanity is around the corner. (12 Steps - step 2 and 3)

Sometimes humor helps to lighten the fear and make a path for the most important message.

Luke 6: 47-49 "These words I speak to you are not mere additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundation words, words to build a life on. If you work the words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who dug deep and laid the foundation of his house on bedrock. When the river burst its banks and crashed against the house, nothing could shake it; it was built to last. But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a dumb carpenter who built a house but skipped the foundation. When the swollen river came crashing in, it collapsed like a house of cards. It was a total loss. (The Message)"

Dear Lord, help me tonight to fall asleep without pain pills and without fear of the future. As the river of pain crashes on me with each breath, please Lord hold me with your hand and let my faith stand strong. I am such a weak person but with Your help, I know I can make it through anything that comes my way.  Help me to find the strength to go to OA tomorrow. Through Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

Infinitely Rewarding Task

Infinitely Rewarding Task

God is good! He has provided the Dallas area with a steady, cool spring rain this weekend and bright blue skies today. This has enabled me to surround myself with a heating pad, warm blanket and the Word of God today~Sunday. I would rather be out with other christians, singing His praise but the pain is too great this morning. It is possible that I will be able to get out later. In the mean time I am blessed with the infinitely rewarding task of seeking God. This is my main goal in life ~ my main task. Sometimes this makes life difficult but it is a goal with infinite possibilities and unlimited blessings. God's love for me is endless, His plan for my good is filled with boundlessness!

"Save me! I'm all yours. I look high and low for your words of wisdom.
The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me, but I'm only concerned with your plans for me. I see the limits to everything human,but the horizons can't contain your commands! Oh, how I love all you've revealed; I reverently ponder it all the day long." Psalm 119:94-97

My greatest escape, the most soothing pain relief in my past ~ was always chocolate. Sometimes every breath I take, every spasm of pain calls out for sweets. This method of pain control, this habit is like a wicked beast waiting to ambush me and destroy the new person who God is forming each day. God's words of love, His promises are taking the place of that dreadful habit. The story of Jesus and His love for me helps: that old, old story that is the main thread of the Bible; how I was lost and sinful and God, in His love planned for my salvation through the generations of Abraham. God's promise throughout the ages, through Israel, was a Savior, a King that can rule my heart now, and for eternity. Without Christ ~ there is no hope of salvation.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life" Rev. 21:6

So I will continue reading God's word today, listen to songs praising Him for His boundless, endless, infinite love.

Dear Lord, I cannot fathom Your endless glory, Your boundless love for me! Forgive my blindness, my limited view, my sinful nature and stuborn mind. Everywhere around me the universe sings Your praise but so much of the time I only feel and see my life, my pain. Open my eyes to Your glory and your promises. Thank You for Your guidance today and every day. In my Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

Magnify Christ

Magnify Christ
Someone once said: "There is no way of telling the amount of good we could do if we didn't care who gets the credit."

The movies, TV shows, and the world in general is a competitive battle ground. People "take sides" about every issue and the competitive spirit is honored and encouraged beginning with toddlers and pre-schoolers.

 I just remembered this morning something someone said at Saturday's OA meeting. One of the leaders talked about her first day at a meeting.  She noticed several "heavy" members. When one obese person began to share and indicated that she had been able to control her compulsive eating for several months, surprise set in because the new member (now a leader) did not feel like she could control herself for one day, when she first started!
It is human nature to compare ourselves to be competitive. At most weight loss clinics pictures and pounds lost are posted, with the "biggest loser" for the week spotlighted. I have been down that road so many times. I have found that, if my motivation comes from a competitive spirit - my weight loss will fail in the end. One of the winners of "The Biggest Loser" gained back almost 200 pounds! Why? Because competition is not a lasting motivator or is a "beat others" attitude the answer to filling the void in someone's life. "Self-esteem" or self motivation did not work for me - I have CD's, books, and know Zig Zigler by heart and it all seemed like a lie unless it was God getting ALL the glory.

 Someone asked me why I don't put my name in this blog, post the pictures of my weightloss. The purpose of this blog is to document my search. I am writing down my journey to the wellspring that quenches my thirst, the only place where my hunger can be filled. I want to come back to each post and relive that moment of inspiration from God and how it helped me. Even though I am placing personal thoughts and experiences down - they are flawed, inconsistent ramblings of someone searching for a daily answer; the desperate search of a compulsive overeater to fill the void. Anytime I place my picture, displaying my weightloss progress, up for people to see - it is followed by a spell of overeating. That is because all glory, all honor has to be Christ's - not mine.

 

Over and over again throughout the Bible - God gets the glory - not people.

2 Peter 3:18, "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever!"

 God and Christ got the glory - not people, not Christians. I am just a "cracked, dirty pot" that has been cleansed. Anything that is good that I do, any success - is Christ in me. That is hard to remember when the world has an "us versus they" attitude.

So I go back to the scriptures to help me fight the influence of the world. Romans 15 Paul talks about success in bringing the Word of God to unbelievers: "Looking back over what has been accomplished and what I have observed, I must say I am most pleased—in the context of Jesus, I'd even say proud, but only in that context. I have no interest in giving you a chatty account of my adventures, only the wondrously powerful and transformingly present words and deeds of Christ in me that triggered a believing response among the outsiders." (The Message)

So that is the answer to weight loss .... the "powerful and transformingly present words and deeds of Christ" working in the soul of believers.

The words and deeds of Christ magnified in me = the only success that has meaning or substance. Everything else leaves a void and that leads to more uncontrollable hunger and thirst.

.

Dear Lord, help me today to be encouraged by the zeal and success in others. Transform my competitive spirit, my inclination to outdo others. Help me to focus on the power of true success ~ Christ in me. Transform me today and everyday and may any success magnify God's glory and diminish my part, my efforts. I am just an earthen vessel begging to be filled with Your power. I don't deserve Your love and mercy. I do want to lose weight so much but I keep trying to do it to please others or myself. I know that is the way of failure. I can only succeed with Your help and if it is Your will for me on this earth. Help me to be open to other people you send into my life. If OA is where you want me to be, please clear a path through my fears of new things. It is in the name of Your glorious Son that I come to you today in prayer, Amen.

Unbearable Vastness

Unbearable Lightness of Being

John 12:46: "I am Light that has come into the world so that all who believe in me won't have to stay any longer in the dark." It has been said that darkness conceals reality but lightness exposes it.

I went to my first OA meeting and so much of what was said did not sink in. Someone was sharing their journey and insights and said that they realized that it wasn't that she just had a problem with food and eating but she had a problem with "living".
That really hit home to me. The new reality/ truth for me has been - that getting up in the morning, breathing in and out, - all of it - I am unequipped to do! My past life was dark and filled with pain, fear, and despair. Now that I have had lap band surgery and lost weight, now that I HAVE to eat slowly or I get sick, I am finding that exposing my life to "reality" or living each moment "real" is painful, exhausting work! I find myself needing to numb the pain with eating and when that does not work - eating again - soft foods like Reese's go easily past the lap band. The true reality is that there is no hope, no life in the darkness of my old habits. The only hope I have is through Jesus, the light of the world.

Psalm 80's refrain: "Restore us, O God of hosts; let your face shine, that we may be saved!"

Jesus was the Light of the world and I can't move forward and conquer my old life of sin, of over eating and pain - I can't do it without Jesus lighting the way.

John 1:4-5: "The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone.⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it."

C.S. Lewis wrote an allegory ~ The Great Divorce. It is about the choices people make which ultimately mean heaven or hell. "Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows." The person that was asked this question in the book wanted "assurances or guarantees". As the journey led to the mountain, the blades of grass were so beautiful that they were sharp like shards of glass, the sound of singing was so beautiful that it hurt the ears of those that were not used to it. Others ghosts wanted to go back to a dark, "safe" place where the painful light and sounds were muted. They had a choice of spending eternity praising God and basking in the glorious light or going back to the "controlled" sinful habits that they were used to. Some actually said, "Who wants to be rescued?" They did not desire it if it meant leaving their lives behind. One artist asked where all the distinguised people were. The answer was:"Don't you understand? The Glory flows into everyone, and back from everyone: like light and mirrors.

But the Light's the important thing."
It is so hard not to fall back or run back into my "safe", numb life of compulsive eating. Certain foods were my best friends throughout my painful life. I am praying that I can find a new life, friends with common struggles, and common goals at OA (Overeaters Anonymous).


Lord, illuminate my life with your unquenchable love and hope. Help me to focus on your light because all darkness and fear flees when your light shines on my heart. Lord, it seems that you have put in my heart and mind the need for life with other's sharing common problems and goals. Help me to be open to this program and to other's insights, struggles, journeys, and successes. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

I Want It Now!

I Want It Now!

I.G.S. = Immediate Gratification Syndrome. "This is a psychological state of mind that plagues us with the thought of living for today and for the moment. It causes us to do what we want instead of what we need. " As I am being healed of this "disorder" I find it difficult filling in the void. There is more time to think and feel and I find that I am almost desperate to stay busy, feel connected to something, to fill the void that I.G.S. left behind. I keep falling back into old habits because I don't have the skills to deal with this new "reality". I did not make it to an OA meeting Saturday but I am determined to go this Saturday. I must get help with compulsive overeating. I don't want to gain the weight back or go on insulin ever again! 

From an article on line about food addiction:
"Take food: those of us with eating issues always look at the “normies” and think how can they eat that and not think about it? Or not plan everything? or obsess? or count? I don't get how food isn't a big deal to them. It’s because food isn’t filling a void for them. It’s not a I MUST HAVE THAT NOW kind of thing. To normies, hunger is a gentle nudge saying “hey, you are low on fuel, you should probably eat soon,” and they go about their merry way until its convenient to eat. ....Its all about immediate gratification. People with food issues use food to fill some void, and when the slightest hint of a trigger arises, you need to fix it NOW......THAT’S how you know if you have issues with food. If you need food so intensely at any given moment, out of no where, whether you are hungry, anxious, sad, lonely, happy- anything, and you cant think about anything else until you get it (or deprive yourself of it, in an anorexic’s case) you are abusing food. Its like a drug fix- you cant think of anything else until you get that hit" posting by Kelly at http://www.wellsphere.com/exercise-article/the-difference-between-normal-and-abnormal-eating-immediate-gratification/631993

I found an example of someone desperately needing guidance; David's need for immediate help, his plea is my plea also:

"But I've lost it. I'm wasted. God—quickly, quickly! Quick to my side, quick to my rescue! God, don't lose a minute. " Psalm 70:5 (The Message)

Same verse but New Living Translation: "But as for me, I am poor and needy; please hurry to my aid, O God. You are my helper and my savior; O Lord, do not delay."

Lord, Help! I am at a turning point in my life and I am very afraid of falling back into spending all of my "empty" times - the void - with food or thoughts of food. Hundreds of times a day I am finding an overwhelming hunger - a void to be filled. I rush here and there, rent a movie, think about food, but I know those are part of the old pattern. Help me to be still, learn from you in the silence and then "Go". I am not sure what my hands need to be doing, so Lord please come to my aid and help me, save me, and guide me. In my Savior's name I plead for guidance, Amen.

God's Timeless Principles - A Better Way to Live from iiw on GodTube.

Pit of Disrepair

A dark pit of failure. Starting the day with plans to eat healthy, follow the program and continuing to loose weight ~ then going out into the world, getting beat up, and coming back home and eating. Stuffing the anger and confusion, the need to fit in, - stuffing it with food. Sounds familiar? You bet!! The good thing is - it is happening less and less. Because I am journaling, I am more aware of the triggars. This blog is a place I visit often - not just to post and write down how God helped me on a particular day, but I come back and listen to the songs, read the scriptures again. Any victory comes from the Lord.

"When people's steps follow the Lord,
God is pleased with their ways.
²⁴ If they stumble, they will not fall,
because the Lord holds their hand.." Psalm37:23-24

I read this passage and sometimes it doesn't help - I am still confused. I feel like I am in a tail spin - ready to hit bottom - hit it hard. That is what my feelings shout out with every emotional ache of failure. Today, I have to just believe with my mind, my soul - and hope the feelings will change. The Philippians 4 formula usually works and conquers my emotions. "Think on these things....". So this week - today, I will read passages that hold positive promises. Even though I don't feel the Lord's hand holding me - I will envision it there, think about how He showed His love to me thousands of times. I will hold on to God's promises.

Lord God Almighty, I am falling again into failure. Lord, so many controlling, abusive people poured evil thoughts into my mind for decades. All the voices from the past are shouting like loud winds, "You are worthless, you are broken and can't be repaired, you fail at everything, the Body is evil - and you can't control it without our help! God can help but, be practical, listen to us - we know you better." Lord, only Your presence helped me survive the lies and abuse. You held my mind in a secret place, helped me distance myself from the abuse - so that I could survive and learn to live again. Lord, I am hopeless at living a "normal" life. I don't know what to say to people and when I do try to engage in "small talk", I have little to relate to. How much time can someone spend talking about the weather? Lord, guide me in this "maturing" aspect of my life. Help me to know, really know you are with me everywhere. Help me remember that You can shout to the loud winds, "Be still!" and they obey Your commands. I need Your help, every step of my life. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Empty and Beautiful-Matt Maher (w/ Matt Chandler) from bball1989 on GodTube.


Lyrics to Empty And Beautiful :
My past won't stop haunting me --In this prison there's a fight between ---Who I am and who I used to be --- This thorn in my side is a grace --- For because of it the flesh and blood of God --- Was offered in my place, my place ---
Chorus: You fought the fight in me --- You chased me down and finished the race --- I was blind but now I see ---Jesus You kept the faith in me ---
Where did my best friends go? --- In my defense they disappeared --- Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord --- But You were there, You gave me strength --- So this little one might come to know --- The glory of Your name, Your name ---
Chorus: ........
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart --- A libation I'm pouring out --- Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ---
Chorus:.....
You kept the faith in me --- Jesus You kept the faith in meSavior, --- You kept the faith in me
My past won't stop haunting me --- In this prison there's a fight between --- Who I am and who I used to be --- This thorn in my side is a grace --- For because of it the flesh and blood of God --- Was offered in my place, my place ---
Chorus: ......
Where did my best friends go? --- In my defense they disappeared --- Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord --- But You were there, You gave me strength --- So this little one might come to know --- The glory of Your name, Your name ---
Chorus: ....
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart --- A libation I'm pouring out --- Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ---
Chorus: ....

Fix Your Heart Toward Heaven

Fix Your Heart Toward Heaven

"And it came to pass, when the time had come that He should be received up, He steadfastly set His face to go to Jerusalem" Luke 9:51  

In the passage above Jesus had just held a child and told the disciples that the least would be the greatest. Jesus knew His time was coming near and his steadfast, resolute focus, His face was set to go - to Jerusalem - to His death. One version translates it "he gathered up his courage and steeled himself ".

My focus has recently wavered from the goal: seeking the Lord's answer for my weightloss, feasting on God's word each and every day, "turning a hunger and thirst for love into a spiritual feast that replaces emotional eating habits". So, once again, I gather up my courage and look to "Jerusalem" - I look to the goal of heaven and turn away from my sinful life, my destructive habits, and failure. My focus has to be on God, who is greater than my past. (God>my past) I am tired of traveling through life looking in the rear view mirror.

Now - as a survivor, I have had a great deal of road kill to deal with in the last few weeks of this journey. I was moving along at a good pace and then found something dragging, dangling, and making noise as I was moving forward. I had to stop and figure out what was slowing me down again, what was causing anger to strip my gears again.

 It can be discouraging to build up speed and feel joyful and feel free and then hit a wall of memories or (even more frightening) brand new, positive feelings. New places and experiences can be scary and cause uncertainty. But if I keep my eyes focused on the destination, heavenward ~ I know that I will find the pit stops don't hurt quite as much with each day that I travel toward "Jeruselem".

With God's help I will keep my eyes on the prize - "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" Philippians 3:14

Heavenward is a forward gear - not reverse!

Lord, I come before you again today asking for your help. I am having a hard time focusing on the goal - setting my face toward heaven. Please forgive me for getting weighed down again in failure, the pain of the past, and dragging with me the bloody memories of the little girl that was run over by life. Lord, each time a new memory overtakes me, help me to look to Your healing heart and move forward - even though it is so tiring. Anger is my greatest enemy. Lord, I give that anger to You. You are a just and merciful God and I leave judgement in Your hands. Help me to learn to forgive as I was forgiven. ~ In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

100% Cloud Cover

100% Cloud Cover

Today, once again, I search for the right path, the correct way to behave, the right thing to say. I used to spend so much time thinking about food, dreaming about food, numbing out with food.... There has been more time to be "real" now, more time. That thought scared me to death and the reality of my life became too much to bear. I stopped writing on this blog. I became out of control again with eating candy but thankfully did not gain weight. My A1C level went up and that scared me. Compulsive eating was taking over and thoughts of food ruled my mind. 
 I remembered that the Israelites were slaves and then had freedom. What did they do when they had the whole world ahead of them and freedom waiting to be grasp? They wanted to go back into the "security" of slavery. So God gave them something to do. They gathered manna, they got organized, and then they built a place for the presence of God - a place for God to dwell while He was with them.

"Then the cloud covered the Meeting Tent, and the glory of the Lord filled the Holy Tent..... When the cloud rose from the Holy Tent, the Israelites would begin to travel,³⁷ but as long as the cloud stayed on the Holy Tent, they did not travel. They stayed in that place until the cloud rose. ³⁸ So the cloud of the Lord was over the Holy Tent during the day, and there was a fire in the cloud at night. So all the Israelites could see the cloud while they traveled." Exodus 40:24-38

With God as their guide there was no doubt about which path to take or where they would go. They simple had to follow. He was not distant, but an ever-present guide and companion. Their job was to exercise their faith, be patient, and be ready to follow when the cloud lifted. I need to remember that God is the same as yesterday. He has given me His Holy Spirit to guide me on this journey - this new life of freedom and choices. He asks me to trust Him and have faith.

I have had information about Overeater's Anonymous squirreled away for a few years. God has put the thought in my mind lately that I need to find a "tribe" or family of people that share the same problem, acknowledge that they can't "diet" away the pain, and that can share the journey with me.  

Lord God Almighty, help me to willingly wait for Your timing and to be ready to go at Your command. Lord, help me to hold up Your Son's life as a mirror, as a map. Give me strength for the journey and let Your words be the food that gives me strength each day. Just like the Israelites brought idols with them - hidden away, I have my addiction to food and the voices from abusers ringing in my ears. The addiction to food slows me down and blocks me from seeing You and the voices from my past lie and spread anger and hate. Help me to be truly free of these things and to look only at Your holy presence. Lord, I have been alone for so much of this journey. Please help me find the right "tribe" or group to travel with out of the wilderness of compulsive overeating.  Lord, I can never thank you enough for sending Your Son as a sacrifice, so the veil could be torn and I could freely come, cleansed and forgiven into Your Holy presence. You are worthy to be praised! In Jesus - the High Priest's name, in Christ - my Redeemer's name ~ I plead for Your daily guidance, Amen.

Dawn of Resurrected Dreams

Dawn of Resurrected Dreams

How wonderful it must have been to walk with Jesus on this earth, to hear Him answer the Pharasees, to see Him raise the dead! He took the nightmare life that the Jews were living day by day, under the Roman's harsh rule and he awoke the dream of the Kingdom of Heaven that was prophesied. Then the dream turned to nightmare again when Jesus was betrayed, beaten, humiliated, taken before unjust people for a verdict of death, and then killed on a cross. Dawn did not help the followers of Jesus as they huddled around His body and then His tomb. It just brought to light the helplessness of man, the cruel life of slavery to harsh task masters and governments. Then the sun's rays slowly probed the inside of the tomb. The dream was alive, Christ had risen!

"A week later the followers were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. The doors were locked, but Jesus came in and stood right in the middle of them. He said, "Peace be with you." Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here, and look at my hands. Put your hand here in my side. Stop being an unbeliever and believe."Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" Then Jesus told him, "You believe because you see me. Those who believe without seeing me will be truly blessed." John 20:26-29

So I am the one left behind without "seeing". With each new dawn, I begin a new day again filled with hope because Jesus is alive. He is alive in my heart, alive to turn my failures into success.

Lord God, thank you for the awesome gift of love and sacrifice! For Christ, to come to earth and live as a human and be tempted like me is so hard to believe. Who could possibly love me that much? Lord, help me to accept Your love with open arms. Forgive me of my sins, my failures because they keep me from seeing your glory, your gift of love. As I start today, trying once again to control my eating and trying to fight off the temptation to run toward food so that I can "feel good" ~ please Lord, remind me again of your love for me. Help me to remember the risen Savior who died for me. Through His name I pray today, Amen.

Senior Centered

Senior Centered

I have been living in a Senior Community for 2 years now. It has taken a while to get used to living around people that are 10 to 30 years older than I am. This is what I have learned most from my neighbors: When we get older, we become increasingly aware that we need God. Does this mean that all my neighbors have focused their life more on the Lord? No way! Many are bitter, complaining people who only have negative and harsh things to say about everyone. Some are going through various stages of Alsheimers or senility and it is hard to tell what kind of spiritual life that had before their brain and emotions were touched by decease. Thankfully the neighbor next to me is a christian and only wants to give and help others ... even if she asks to help every 5 minutes.

David prayed to God in Psalm 71: "O Lord, I have come to you for protection; don’t let me be disgraced. Save me and rescue me, for you do what is right. Turn your ear to listen to me, and set me free. Be my rock of safety where I can always hide. Give the order to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. .....And now, in my old age, don’t set me aside. Don’t abandon me when my strength is failing."

 Psalm 71 is worth reading completely.

 

An anonymous author wrote and prayed this prayer and I thought that it fit my position in life:

 

 "O,Lord, You know I am growing older! Keep me from closing my eyes to the fact. Keep me from becoming a pest, a self-appointed sage with the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Keep me from the temptation of trying to straighten out everybody's affairs. Make me thoughtful, not moody; helpful, not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom it seems a pity not to use it all - but Lord, You know I don't want to lose all my friends by boring them with the past. Keep my mind free from the recital of all my experiences and endless details. Seal my lips about my arthritis and swollen ankles. My aches and pains are unceasing, and rehearsing them is becoming sweeter by day. Teach me to admit that sometimes I am mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet. Make me more considerate as my age progresses. Let me never grow old - only older. Father, thank you for overseeing my life to this point in time. My hope is only in You. As I grow older help me to grow to be more like You. In Jesus' name, Amen."

More of Christ, Less of Me

More of Jesus, Less of Me

A Spiritual Feast

I am looking at what God's word has to say about the spiritual feast that other's in the Bible were blessed with ~ in hopes of helping me replace the emotional eating habits that I still am trying to change. This is a "spiritual feast" devotional - searching God's Word and planning to start each day with the prayer "More of Jesus, Less of Me".

"God commanded the Man, "You can eat from any tree in the garden, except from the Tree-of-Knowledge-of-Good-and-Evil. Don't eat from it. The moment you eat from that tree, you're dead." Gen. 2:16-17 The Message.

It doesn't surprise me in the least that one of the first "rules" God gave to Adam and Eve had to do with "eating". We as humans need food to live. God prepared a feast of every food in the garden exept one food from one tree. This fruit was harmful and God was trying to protect Adam and Eve.

 

Today there are so many harmful "forbidden fruits" that I should not be tempted to dabble in... and literally there are millions of food products that are artificial or loaded with fats and sugar. The commercials for these foods use music, laughter, sounds of people smacking their lips and enjoying themselves in front of plates of 3000 calorie meals. It is not an easy time to stick to a healthy eating plan. I am hoping that these studies/devotionsals centered around the thought -"More of Christ, Less of Me" - will help me keep my focus on Christ and God's plan for my life.

Lord, help me to see where in my life I am missing you. Please help me to find strength in your Word and to focus on the truth - that without Your love and grace I cannot be whole and I cannot resist the temptations and Satan's whispers "Eat - just one bite won't hurt". I am so hungry for love because of an upbringing that lacked so much, a marriage that was not whole because I was so afraid and so hungry for love but not trusting enough when people said they loved me. Lord help me to remember that with Christ I can do anything. Forgive my unbelief when I do not live the life of the redeemed. In my glorious Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

The Divine Element: The Basics of Life

The Basics of Life is a song that I really enjoy.  What is the most important thing in my life?
Walking and taking with God and reaching out to help others when I can. I love the first video clip below. 

Seasons

Seaons

It has been a season of loss for me. The list is long and painful: loss of health, livelihood, dreams for the future, home, belongings, etc. Through these months ~ a dark journey has taken place and it has taken all my energy not to give up. Friends said and did inappropriate things (like Job's friends of old). Professional "helpers" were contracted to improve my home and they took my money instead..

These losses are just the beginning of a long list. I am tired all the time. So many major changes in my life - in a very short time.

Now I live in a one bedroom apartment in a "senior" community. At first my sadness and lack of energy kept me from seeing any blessings in my situation. However, God's plan is beginning to shine through ~ just beginning ~ with little hints of possible ways that I can serve Him in this time of sadness and loss. I live by prayer right now. Which is a good thing!

I have found a new church home and once again I will pray for God's guidance with new relationships and in finding ways to glorify Him (even with my physical limitations).

Announcement of a grief recovery class was handed to me at church. I am in the second week and I know, with all my heart, that God wanted me to go through the grieving process for ALL my losses before I can be of use to Him or others in the future.

The big revelation from the class this week has shined a bright light on one of the reasons that I have not been able to move past my need for eating when I am angry or frustrated. With each loss of a relationship in my past, I would acknowledge the loss, cry, and just try to forget and move on. I have learned that it takes a little more work than that!

"The degree of loss is not measured only by the loss of the love and companionship with the person that is not in your life anymore, but often in the losses associated with the "roles" that person played in your life. Sometimes the secondary losses are also significant or add many complications to the initial primary loss. The more roles the person filled in your life, the more varied and complicated your adjustment will be. In other words, grief is not merely related to the intensity of love, it is also related to the complexity of your loss. Each role that a person played in your life is, in reality, a separate loss to you."

I have had to drive a great deal back and forth in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. After each trip, I would be exhausted and angry and longing for sweets! After this week's session in the Grief Recovery class, I realized that my husband had driven places that were frightening to me (like high-fives). He would stay up at night and comfort me when I could not breath. Even though it has been 20 years since that relationship ended and I had finished the grieving process...I thought ~ I realized this week that I had never grieved over or gotten over the anger caused by specific major changes or losses in my life. It is my nature just to move quickly on and try to forget (also very typical of members of military families). So this grief workshop has helped me see wounded places that need acknowleging and healing. I go to God in prayer for that healing and for help with my new life in a senior community.

Lord, forgive me for my weakness and distress. You are all powerful and awesome in your love and gentleness with me. Let me remember that there is always a balm in Your words and truth. Help me through this time of remembering and working through the pain of past relationships - so that I can live a whole and useful life in Your service and that I can let Your light shine for those that will come into my life in the future. I am not whole and today- as always, I come to you a cracked vessel waiting to have your light shine through my scars and weaknesses. With Christ I can do anything. Forgive my unbelief when I do not live the life of the redeemed. In my glorious Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.