Seasons

Seaons

It has been a season of loss for me. The list is long and painful: loss of health, livelihood, dreams for the future, home, belongings, etc. Through these months ~ a dark journey has taken place and it has taken all my energy not to give up. Friends said and did inappropriate things (like Job's friends of old). Professional "helpers" were contracted to improve my home and they took my money instead..

These losses are just the beginning of a long list. I am tired all the time. So many major changes in my life - in a very short time.

Now I live in a one bedroom apartment in a "senior" community. At first my sadness and lack of energy kept me from seeing any blessings in my situation. However, God's plan is beginning to shine through ~ just beginning ~ with little hints of possible ways that I can serve Him in this time of sadness and loss. I live by prayer right now. Which is a good thing!

I have found a new church home and once again I will pray for God's guidance with new relationships and in finding ways to glorify Him (even with my physical limitations).

Announcement of a grief recovery class was handed to me at church. I am in the second week and I know, with all my heart, that God wanted me to go through the grieving process for ALL my losses before I can be of use to Him or others in the future.

The big revelation from the class this week has shined a bright light on one of the reasons that I have not been able to move past my need for eating when I am angry or frustrated. With each loss of a relationship in my past, I would acknowledge the loss, cry, and just try to forget and move on. I have learned that it takes a little more work than that!

"The degree of loss is not measured only by the loss of the love and companionship with the person that is not in your life anymore, but often in the losses associated with the "roles" that person played in your life. Sometimes the secondary losses are also significant or add many complications to the initial primary loss. The more roles the person filled in your life, the more varied and complicated your adjustment will be. In other words, grief is not merely related to the intensity of love, it is also related to the complexity of your loss. Each role that a person played in your life is, in reality, a separate loss to you."

I have had to drive a great deal back and forth in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. After each trip, I would be exhausted and angry and longing for sweets! After this week's session in the Grief Recovery class, I realized that my husband had driven places that were frightening to me (like high-fives). He would stay up at night and comfort me when I could not breath. Even though it has been 20 years since that relationship ended and I had finished the grieving process...I thought ~ I realized this week that I had never grieved over or gotten over the anger caused by specific major changes or losses in my life. It is my nature just to move quickly on and try to forget (also very typical of members of military families). So this grief workshop has helped me see wounded places that need acknowleging and healing. I go to God in prayer for that healing and for help with my new life in a senior community.

Lord, forgive me for my weakness and distress. You are all powerful and awesome in your love and gentleness with me. Let me remember that there is always a balm in Your words and truth. Help me through this time of remembering and working through the pain of past relationships - so that I can live a whole and useful life in Your service and that I can let Your light shine for those that will come into my life in the future. I am not whole and today- as always, I come to you a cracked vessel waiting to have your light shine through my scars and weaknesses. With Christ I can do anything. Forgive my unbelief when I do not live the life of the redeemed. In my glorious Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

1 part Guilt + 1 part Grief

Guilt and Grief

Wednesday night I woke up about 12 times with exhausting dreams about my Dad. One of them went like this: The hospital called saying that I had to get there right away (this had happened many times over the last 6 years). I get in my car in the middle of the night and start driving but I never get there. It begins to rain, the road gets washed out, the detour takes me the opposite direction, and so on... I wake up tired, crying, and feeling guilty because I feel I did not do enough; second guessing my caregiving ability. Grief hits again. Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel guilty! It is true: I am glad that my role as caregiver is over with. That also makes me feel guilty!

My father had live in caregivers and day shift caregivers. I lived only 2 hours away and called 3 to 4 times a day to coordinate schedules, see how he was doing, etc. As I left work every day, the care givers would have him up from his nap and ready to talk to me on the phone. I spent all holidays there and was the main caregiver during those weeks. (Had summer off and spent 2 to 3 months there.)

I know the guilt is all part of the grieving process but is so tiring. I retired right before his massive stroke (disability retirement). God has not given me something that I cannot bear. If I was having to work, I don't know if I could have dealt with his last strokes, the hospice period, his death, and settling his estate.

Stopping the role of an active caregiver is so hard - being responsible for the daily, even hourly needs of someone. Praying as you rush to the hospital becomes part of your life.

An algebra lesson on variables popped into my head this week. Definition of a variable: (1). a quantity that can change or vary, taking on different values (2). a letter or symbol representing a varying quantity. So my daily equation lately has been:

1 part Guilt + 1 part Grief = G2G (Go 2 God)The dreams and feelings that are overwhelming me at times about my father are 1 part guilt + 1 part grief. Part of my guilt is weight related. I would set myself weightoss goals to please my father and then I would fail again and again. I have learned that changing yourself to please someone else does not work. With this blog I hope to study emotions and find out what works and what God's will is for me each day.

During these days of confusion brought on by guilt and grief my prayer is to be drawn closer to God - and my mantra is just to take it one step at a time and to breathe...

Lord God, please help me to know what to do with this overwhelming grief and guilt. You are in control and I cannot deal with all the emotions that are swarming around me. I have taken a path toward healing when it comes to my eating compulsions. Please help me to continue that process. I realize that my healing is not happening in a void - that I must learn to live with my life, the death of my Dad, and my past abuse. Lord take control of all of this today. In my Redeemer's name, I pray. Amen.