Sweet Trust

Sweet Trust

The God of Love has sent me down a path that is shrouded in fog and pain. I can't see what is to come but I know that Christ is my guide and will save me from any holes, cliffs, or sharp turns that I cannot see or anticipate. Even though I can't see ahead, I walk by faith. Am I good at walking by faith? No, not always. So I go to the scriptures for help and I look for examples of other Christians that have gone through trials and were able to trust in the Lord. They were rewarded, some of them in this life.

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

Below is a film clip about the author of the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns. The story is about trust ~ even in times when it seems impossible to take another step. This clip reminded me that God's people keep loving their Lord with all their hearts, minds, soul, body ~ their whole being.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1Cor. 13:4-7

Lord, thank you for your wonderful love and the ultimate gift of love, your forgiveness due to Christ's sacrifice on the cross, for my sins. It is only through the cleansing power of that blood, that I can walk in your holy, presence and talk to you justified ~ Just as if I'd never sinned against you. Glory to your holy name! Lord, I am so weak and pain makes it difficult to think straight. Oh, God help me to love you with a pure heart and rejoice in your truth, your word to me. Help me trust in you for everything. Lord, pain and illness isolates me so often. Please help me find ways to reach out to others and love them, just as you loved me. Thank you for another day filled with your love instead of filling the day obsessing about food. I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.

Less of Me

Hunger and Thirst

It is one of those days. Nothing seems to keep me from the need to binge. What is wrong with me?!?

 

 Well, I know that there is a great deal of emotional stress with any major change. I need something to fill in the empty void. I need something to block the feelings that hurt too much. Food has always been my answer.

 

With God's help and guidance, I have been loosing weight. But on days like today, I am once again shipwrecked on an island of despair and surrounded by unhealthy "saltwater" to drink. That is all I see! (The more you drink saltwater to stop the thirst - the thirstier you get.) For me it is not really saltwater - it is sweets. I get so filled with sorrow, memories that are painful, and compulsive thoughts that race around in my head - that I need something else to replace those things. So I fill up on sweets. But like saltwater - one piece of candy is not enough.

 

I know what I have to do, the only thing that really helps me: ~ Go to God and His word to fill me up, to replace the need for sweets.

Matthew 5:6 says: "Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled." NKJV

 

 I really like the Message version of this passage:

"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink is the best meal you'll ever eat." WOW!

 

Most of the time I find it easy to "hunger and thirst for righteousness" and I do have an appetite for God and His love. However, I think there is another step in this process that I do not find easy. I must continually empty myself first before I can be "filled" with His glory. That emptying process is constant and it is very difficult for me. Sometimes I want to keep what I am used to: abuse, failure, sorrow, scars, and chaos. I must remember and keep my eyes on the salvation of the Lord.

 "It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful. If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken." 2 Cor. 4:6-11(Message)

So my prayer again today ~ my longing is to be emptied of self; of past abuse, fears,failures, and chaos. Only then can I be filled with God's light and love. I know that if I can do that - I will not be hungry and thirsty again.

 

Lord God, have mercy on me today and every day on this journey to better health physically, emotionally, and spiritually! I am caught in a web of poor eating habits and I am trying to break free. Please help me to empty myself of pride, of self, and yes, help me to leave behind the abused little girl. Fill me with your hope and love so that I can set my feet forward on the road to success, when it comes to controlling my eating. You are worthy to be praised for eternity and it is my desire to spend my life singing your praises and spreading the good news of your loving grace. Through Jesus' name, I make this petition, Amen.

Firm Foundation

Firm Foundation
Today was a day of doctor visits, specialists in their field. Last night it was hard to sleep, hard to breath in and out. Test results, more tests to take, and more pain seem to be my future. Numbing the fear by eating mindlessly has been my solution most of my life. Changing that behavior is so difficult. For most of my life I have been surrounded by people who base their perceptions, their truths on fear. Their life is based in judging others so that they can feel safe. Truth, love, and forgiveness is not part of their foundation. I pray for them every day but I have to move forward with my life. When it comes to my disfunctional family, I share Paul's wish:

Col. 2:2"I want their hearts to be made cheerful and strong. I want them to be joined together in love. Then their understanding will be rich and complete. "
As for my own personal fears about my health and my future ~ well, I have always dreamed and longed for a "home". Perhaps this is because I was a military kid or perhaps it is because home was never a safe place to exist. Maybe that is why I love the scriptures about "building" a life or making a home. 1 John4:17-18, "God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. (The Message)"

Forming a strong foundation of love in my life is a goal I am working on every day. I have been crippled in more ways than one but when love runs freely throughout my heart, then freedom from worry and a sense of sanity is around the corner. (12 Steps - step 2 and 3)

Sometimes humor helps to lighten the fear and make a path for the most important message.

Luke 6: 47-49 "These words I speak to you are not mere additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundation words, words to build a life on. If you work the words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who dug deep and laid the foundation of his house on bedrock. When the river burst its banks and crashed against the house, nothing could shake it; it was built to last. But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a dumb carpenter who built a house but skipped the foundation. When the swollen river came crashing in, it collapsed like a house of cards. It was a total loss. (The Message)"

Dear Lord, help me tonight to fall asleep without pain pills and without fear of the future. As the river of pain crashes on me with each breath, please Lord hold me with your hand and let my faith stand strong. I am such a weak person but with Your help, I know I can make it through anything that comes my way.  Help me to find the strength to go to OA tomorrow. Through Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

Senior Centered

Senior Centered

I have been living in a Senior Community for 2 years now. It has taken a while to get used to living around people that are 10 to 30 years older than I am. This is what I have learned most from my neighbors: When we get older, we become increasingly aware that we need God. Does this mean that all my neighbors have focused their life more on the Lord? No way! Many are bitter, complaining people who only have negative and harsh things to say about everyone. Some are going through various stages of Alsheimers or senility and it is hard to tell what kind of spiritual life that had before their brain and emotions were touched by decease. Thankfully the neighbor next to me is a christian and only wants to give and help others ... even if she asks to help every 5 minutes.

David prayed to God in Psalm 71: "O Lord, I have come to you for protection; don’t let me be disgraced. Save me and rescue me, for you do what is right. Turn your ear to listen to me, and set me free. Be my rock of safety where I can always hide. Give the order to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. .....And now, in my old age, don’t set me aside. Don’t abandon me when my strength is failing."

 Psalm 71 is worth reading completely.

 

An anonymous author wrote and prayed this prayer and I thought that it fit my position in life:

 

 "O,Lord, You know I am growing older! Keep me from closing my eyes to the fact. Keep me from becoming a pest, a self-appointed sage with the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Keep me from the temptation of trying to straighten out everybody's affairs. Make me thoughtful, not moody; helpful, not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom it seems a pity not to use it all - but Lord, You know I don't want to lose all my friends by boring them with the past. Keep my mind free from the recital of all my experiences and endless details. Seal my lips about my arthritis and swollen ankles. My aches and pains are unceasing, and rehearsing them is becoming sweeter by day. Teach me to admit that sometimes I am mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet. Make me more considerate as my age progresses. Let me never grow old - only older. Father, thank you for overseeing my life to this point in time. My hope is only in You. As I grow older help me to grow to be more like You. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Heart's Creation

Heart's Creation

Lately my heart has been hurting both physically and emotionally. Tests and MRI results have shown that my heart is relatively healthy and the pain in my chest is caused by nerves being pinched in my spine. Between pain killers and physical therapy I am moving forward but it is four steps forward and three steps back. A great deal of what is wrong with me is due to my own sins; hiding my feelings by eating too much. However, this pain and disability is also caused by my body aging and decaying. Like Job, I contemplate God's nature and His plan...

"Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me? Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese, clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews? You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit." Job 10:8-12

God's word always helps me find the answers to my musing, the turmoil that spins in my mind while laying in bed wrestling with pain. I wonder if Job and Paul have talked to each other in heaven? Paul gives the answer to all life's questions:

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:1-8

Turning to God and His word always helps me. Writing down these thoughts, this blog is a sort of diary, a travel journal ~ of how God is changing my life. It is a diary filled with human frailty, written by someone carrying too much baggage from the past. Sometimes on days that are too full of pain ~ I go back and read some of the blog entries and it helps to see that He guided me through that day and helped me understand and persevere so that I could live with hope. I am able to see through all the failures (the times I have tried to live a healthy life and diet). What I see that His truth is slowly changing my life and that I am being equipped for the battle ahead. I am also blessed with a network of online Christians that I can go to for inspiration. They share their daily struggles and how God is working in thier lives ~ through Christ.


Lord, I thank you so much for the life you have given me. Forgive me Lord for the time I have spent being selfish and only dealing with my own problems and issues. Give me eyes to see and a heart full of love for the lost and hurting. Guide me toward service that I can do ~ even with my limitations. Remind me daily Lord that my limitations and disabilities; this physical body ~ these things do not define me. They are part of the clay vessel but You are the most important part of my life. Create in me a heart that beats only for You; a clean heart fit for Your service and Your presence. With a heart of longing and praise, I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me." Psalm 13:2-6

Let the Rains Begin!

Let the Rains Begin!

Good news always feels like a shower from heaven! Most of my test results are in and they say I have not had a stroke and my cardiac tests came back normal.

Deut. 11:13-14 says: "From now on if you listen obediently to the commandments that I am commanding you today, love God, your God, and serve him with everything you have within you, he'll take charge of sending the rain at the right time..."

I am feeling a little better but the pain in my lower back and right hip is still there and it has been there for the last three months. Yesterday I had an MRI taken by a back doctor and I will find out the results next week. I feel like loosing weight has helped so much. I need to ignore the voices from the past that say, "Give up! You have ruined your body and now, no matter what you do, you will die soon." Then the temptation to eat sweets increases because the "what's the use" monster is lurking around every corner of my mind. I have to remind my self that there is hope and joy for the hurting. God promised this again and again in His word.

"Don't be sad, because the joy of the Lord will make you strong" Nehemiah 8:10

"If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:10-12

As Pollyanna said in the Disney movie, "There are 826 happy texts in the Bible".

So today I will focus on those things ~

"I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." Phil. 4:8-9

Dear Lord, thank you so much for the good news I received from the doctors. Help me realize that I am already dead ~ to sin, to death, to dispair. Help me focus on the new life you give me every day and the hope and joy of life eternal with you. Lord, how can I every praise you enough for this fantastic gift of grace? Your love surrounds me tonight and comforts me. Even if sleep does not come because of pain ~ I thank you for your words that rain comfort on my dry and thristy soul. In Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

"You always show me the path that leads to life. You will fill me with joy when I am with you. You will give me endless pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

Deadly Kudzu

Deadly Kudzu

Ever hear of Kudzu? It is known as "The vine that ate the South" or "mile-a-minute vine".

Why do I bring up Kudzu? Well, I have a problem with depression. It is an "adjustment disorder with depressed mood". This is depression that comes out of a stressful event. Many survivors have been diagnosed with various types of depression and/or manic depression. My life and moods have always been dictated by whatever situation I was thrown in. I survived by feverishly attempting to do whatever was required during that stressful time and then as soon as that "crazy" event or period of time was over, I went into "lump" mode. As a child, I was called a "lump" or lazy at least a million times times. I was a chess piece to be moved about by someone else. I could not be moved unless some external force "moved" me. As I reached my teen years the anger at this game began to build and I started resisting. The few attempts at repellion were futile and one of these attempts led to marraige to a controller. I soon found out that I had no power over my abusers, my controllers. That is when eating became my power move, something I could control.

As an adult, this has not changed. I have gotten rid of the abusers and controllers in my life but I still move from one extreme to another. After a stressful time, I become inactive, a lump. The eating to feel powerful has changed to a habit that I find hard to control. Just like Kudzu! That import from Japan was used to bring nutrients to the stressed out, used up soil of the South in the '40s and 50's and then it took control.

In the South the legend is that if you leave a window open in the night, Kudzu will creep in and smother you. Well, if I let it, depression or "resting" after a storm of stress ~ takes over. I become a lump until the next time that some force "moves me", some emergency happens, or the crisis builds. Everything piles up in the house and tasks that need to get done lurk around every dark corner of the house ~ like Kudzu, ready to overwhelm me or smother me with sadness, and a feeling of dispair. Today I am looking at bills and forms, all things that I must work on. If I am left alone, I will sit and do nothing. I have so many good reasons for not moving a muscle! I am so tired! Well, God has a solution:

 

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might... " Ecclesiastes 9:10 ~ and ~

"...do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you." I Samuel 10:7. ~

 and finally, from the Message version of Isaiah 41:9-10 ~

"I pulled you in from all over the world,
called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.
I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'
Don't panic. I'm with you.
There's no need to fear for I'm your God.I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."

 

God is telling me, through His word, that He is in control. If I reach out and grab hold of one task at a time, one handful at a time ~ with His help I can move forward. I am no longer a chess piece. I choose to move forward, with God's help and as I look up from the darkness, from underneath the massive vines of depression, I find that He has had a firm grip on me the whole time!

 

Lord God Almighty, thank you! Without hope in You I would not be moving at all today. Please help me to grasp onto the tasks that I can handle today and to do that task in Christ's name, with all my might. During those dark, lonely times of pure exhaustion or when depression overtakes me ~ help me find my way back to Your strength, Your light, Your love. I know Lord, without Jesus ~ I have no hope of salvation! So it is through Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

When Tears Fall from soundingjoy on GodTube.

Liar, Liar!

Liar! Liar!

"Liar, Liar! Pants on fire!" These are words that I wished many times that I could shout back to my mother. She wove such a web of lies around me concerning my body that, to this day, I still believe her. I look at the pictures of myself growing up and I am shocked. I was not fat! Yet in her fear filled eyes I was always fat and the "body" had to be controlled or it would take control and all would be lost. Her disfunctional idea of "body image" branded itself in my brain. Each day as I am trying to dig through the seared remains of my mind, I find that I must take each idea, each phrase, each memory and hold it to the light. Once it is in the light, I must sort the lies from the truth. My distorted body image is the reason that I have been unable to loose weight for years and years. This process of healing and claiming my past for Christ and truth ~ this is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is time. It is the right time for my salvation:

"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. " Romans 5:1-8 (The Message version)
My life growing up was based on lies and fear. I escpecially like this version of Romans 5. God always wanted to "set it right with me and make me fit for him". As long as I am harboring lies about my body and my body image ~ then I am not a fit vessel for the Lord to use. I am not saying that physical appearance hinders God's message. Fat people can preach the word, be a blessing to others, and walk through the pearly gates. A liar cannot do these things. Even though the lies were created by my mother and others who believed her, I cannot move forward and be functional until I stop believing those lies, stop living those lies. Every time I believe those lies instead of walking through the door of truth that is held wide open by Christ - I am choosing to go back to prison, the dark despair of my warped body image.
Verse 5 of Romans 5 is so helpful to me today: "hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. " NIV
This "outpouring" of God's love into my scorched, hurting heart is actually translated as a continual, never ending act. That is why I like The Message version. I can't round up enough containers to hold all the truth and love that God is generously pouring into my life today. This is all happening just at the right time, when I needed it the most, when I am ready to see the truth, strong enough to take the full brunt of this truth. Because God chose the right time, I am now strong enough to face the lies and view my body in the light of God's love and forgiveness. I cannot be used by God the way I am. Once again this is not because I am obese - no! Obese people can be used by God. It is not because I am size 30 - because God does not see the outward part of me. It is because my heart and mind are mummified. Like a dead person walking around, I must unravel all the layers of putrid lies that incase my image of myself and let Christ bring to life my dead, numb heart. I need His help to walk a new path, a new life. When this task is done, I don't want people to say, "You look so wonderful! You have lost so much weight!"
I want them to shout,
" She's free! She's alive! She's alive!"

Lord, please help me each day to face the truth. Help me to sort through the lies that are buried so deep in my heart and mind. Lord, help me to forgive. As I uncover lie after lie, help me to forgive those people who spoke those lies and then reinforced them with their actions, their torture. Forgiving is so hard for me God. All I want to do is make them pay for what they did to a little girl's heart, who only wanted to love them and have their approval. Lord, free me from the burden of this overwhelming sadness and pain. With your help Lord I have lost over twenty pounds. Lord, help me be like Paul and claim each victory for you. Help me point to you as my Savior of my life, of each successful day. In my Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

Stand Strong

Stand Strong

The Egyptians were about to overtake the fleeing Isaelites. They were panicing. They cried out to God. "Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? ¹² Didn’t we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, ‘Leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It’s better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!’” Exodus 14

This scripture and story really speaks to me tonight. The Lord has led me on such a wonderful exodus leading away from slavery and toward a new healthy life. However, there are times during the day that I feel like a walking corpse. I am so used to being a slave to my food addiction, to numbing out the pain by eating those foods that pacify my fears ~ even for a short time. So I have taken steps away from that old life and I am doing very well with eating the right foods. I am eating healthier than I have my whole life! Why do I still feel like a corpse walking through a place that is strange and desolate to me? I find myself wanting to go back to what is familiar and safe. The urge to get in the car and drive to Sonic or Braums is overwhelming. I feel like a battle is raging as the cravings continue to beat down my resolve. Like the Israelites I need a reminder:

“Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. ¹⁴ The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

What does this have to do with me today? I am reminded that fear of new things is just a human condition; that I am not alone. Also, if I will stand still and stand strong, the Lord will rescue me. I just have to look toward His direction to find the way through the battle. Another promise that I see in these verses: God will fight for me if I just stay calm. So I will continue forward, one step at a time, one diet journal entry at a time. I will try not to beat myself up when I feel overwhelmed by temptations.

I will try to remember to: "Just stay calm"

Dear Lord,

Please help me on my path toward healing. My need for comfort food is overwhelming tonight. Please help me to stand strong and stay calm. Please take over this battle that is waging in my mind and body. Lord, I desperately need you to fight for me tonight. Rescue me from petty worries and concerns. Thank you for the glory of your salvation and grace. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Raging Flood

 

Raging Flood

I have been reading Max Lacado's book "Traveling Light" which is a study of Psalm 23. He talks in great length about David the shepherd and what sheep are like. The idea of "still waters" at this time in my life is very appealing. I also love these scriptures:

Isaiah 12:3 - "With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation."

Isaiah 49:10 - "They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them.
He who has compassion on them will guide them and lead them beside springs of water."

Have I mentioned that I have been having nightmares a great deal? Floods! In every kind of dream! I will be dreaming about rushing around to get ready for the estate sale (which is thankfully over with). Then all of sudden the floods come rushing or darkly creeping in.  My nights are filled with dreams of raging floods or swirling high water. One online source says the dreams represent: "emotional issues and tension (duh!). Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. (I'll say!). Consider where the flood is for clues as to where in your waking life is causing you stress and tension." So, most of my floods are family related, death related, and near my Dad's home or my own home. I am either trying to save my Dad or my brother or me. ... ... ... ...

There is nothing I can do about Dad since he has passed away. Today  I remembered a time when I took Dad to the dentist and sat in a chair and watched. I was remembering how he made everyone laugh, made everyone feel at ease. Thinking about that time made the flood of emotions crash down on me and I began to cry!

 

When it comes to dealing with my mentally ill brother and the rest of my family - this scripture came to mind today:

Hebrews 11:7 - "By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith." ... ..

 

. ... My problem is that I cannot save my brother and my family is and was always a mess! They would not get into the ark of "normality". Dysfunctional to the core! Secrets, denial, suicides in every generation, alcoholism, eating disorders, and on and on. My brother will not take meds and fearfully roams around convinced conspiracies are in every bathroom, gas station, everywhere! All I can do is pray for my family. Since my Dad's death I have not heard from them.

 

 So will I be condemned to dream of floods forever? Do I sound like a silly sheep? Probably. I will try to work on the overwhelming feelings, emotional issues, etc. in therapy, also continue to praying and study the word. In the mean time, I try to fill my mind with helping others, doing what I can do, and music:

Lord, thank you for saving me over and over again from the flood. I cannot survive life's overwhelming sorrows, confusion, and pain without your love and forgiveness. You are my savior, my captain, my life. Forgive me when I do not trust you. In the name of my savior I pray, Amen.

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1 part Guilt + 1 part Grief

Guilt and Grief

Wednesday night I woke up about 12 times with exhausting dreams about my Dad. One of them went like this: The hospital called saying that I had to get there right away (this had happened many times over the last 6 years). I get in my car in the middle of the night and start driving but I never get there. It begins to rain, the road gets washed out, the detour takes me the opposite direction, and so on... I wake up tired, crying, and feeling guilty because I feel I did not do enough; second guessing my caregiving ability. Grief hits again. Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel guilty! It is true: I am glad that my role as caregiver is over with. That also makes me feel guilty!

My father had live in caregivers and day shift caregivers. I lived only 2 hours away and called 3 to 4 times a day to coordinate schedules, see how he was doing, etc. As I left work every day, the care givers would have him up from his nap and ready to talk to me on the phone. I spent all holidays there and was the main caregiver during those weeks. (Had summer off and spent 2 to 3 months there.)

I know the guilt is all part of the grieving process but is so tiring. I retired right before his massive stroke (disability retirement). God has not given me something that I cannot bear. If I was having to work, I don't know if I could have dealt with his last strokes, the hospice period, his death, and settling his estate.

Stopping the role of an active caregiver is so hard - being responsible for the daily, even hourly needs of someone. Praying as you rush to the hospital becomes part of your life.

An algebra lesson on variables popped into my head this week. Definition of a variable: (1). a quantity that can change or vary, taking on different values (2). a letter or symbol representing a varying quantity. So my daily equation lately has been:

1 part Guilt + 1 part Grief = G2G (Go 2 God)The dreams and feelings that are overwhelming me at times about my father are 1 part guilt + 1 part grief. Part of my guilt is weight related. I would set myself weightoss goals to please my father and then I would fail again and again. I have learned that changing yourself to please someone else does not work. With this blog I hope to study emotions and find out what works and what God's will is for me each day.

During these days of confusion brought on by guilt and grief my prayer is to be drawn closer to God - and my mantra is just to take it one step at a time and to breathe...

Lord God, please help me to know what to do with this overwhelming grief and guilt. You are in control and I cannot deal with all the emotions that are swarming around me. I have taken a path toward healing when it comes to my eating compulsions. Please help me to continue that process. I realize that my healing is not happening in a void - that I must learn to live with my life, the death of my Dad, and my past abuse. Lord take control of all of this today. In my Redeemer's name, I pray. Amen.