100% Cloud Cover

100% Cloud Cover

Today, once again, I search for the right path, the correct way to behave, the right thing to say. I used to spend so much time thinking about food, dreaming about food, numbing out with food.... There has been more time to be "real" now, more time. That thought scared me to death and the reality of my life became too much to bear. I stopped writing on this blog. I became out of control again with eating candy but thankfully did not gain weight. My A1C level went up and that scared me. Compulsive eating was taking over and thoughts of food ruled my mind. 
 I remembered that the Israelites were slaves and then had freedom. What did they do when they had the whole world ahead of them and freedom waiting to be grasp? They wanted to go back into the "security" of slavery. So God gave them something to do. They gathered manna, they got organized, and then they built a place for the presence of God - a place for God to dwell while He was with them.

"Then the cloud covered the Meeting Tent, and the glory of the Lord filled the Holy Tent..... When the cloud rose from the Holy Tent, the Israelites would begin to travel,³⁷ but as long as the cloud stayed on the Holy Tent, they did not travel. They stayed in that place until the cloud rose. ³⁸ So the cloud of the Lord was over the Holy Tent during the day, and there was a fire in the cloud at night. So all the Israelites could see the cloud while they traveled." Exodus 40:24-38

With God as their guide there was no doubt about which path to take or where they would go. They simple had to follow. He was not distant, but an ever-present guide and companion. Their job was to exercise their faith, be patient, and be ready to follow when the cloud lifted. I need to remember that God is the same as yesterday. He has given me His Holy Spirit to guide me on this journey - this new life of freedom and choices. He asks me to trust Him and have faith.

I have had information about Overeater's Anonymous squirreled away for a few years. God has put the thought in my mind lately that I need to find a "tribe" or family of people that share the same problem, acknowledge that they can't "diet" away the pain, and that can share the journey with me.  

Lord God Almighty, help me to willingly wait for Your timing and to be ready to go at Your command. Lord, help me to hold up Your Son's life as a mirror, as a map. Give me strength for the journey and let Your words be the food that gives me strength each day. Just like the Israelites brought idols with them - hidden away, I have my addiction to food and the voices from abusers ringing in my ears. The addiction to food slows me down and blocks me from seeing You and the voices from my past lie and spread anger and hate. Help me to be truly free of these things and to look only at Your holy presence. Lord, I have been alone for so much of this journey. Please help me find the right "tribe" or group to travel with out of the wilderness of compulsive overeating.  Lord, I can never thank you enough for sending Your Son as a sacrifice, so the veil could be torn and I could freely come, cleansed and forgiven into Your Holy presence. You are worthy to be praised! In Jesus - the High Priest's name, in Christ - my Redeemer's name ~ I plead for Your daily guidance, Amen.

1 part Guilt + 1 part Grief

Guilt and Grief

Wednesday night I woke up about 12 times with exhausting dreams about my Dad. One of them went like this: The hospital called saying that I had to get there right away (this had happened many times over the last 6 years). I get in my car in the middle of the night and start driving but I never get there. It begins to rain, the road gets washed out, the detour takes me the opposite direction, and so on... I wake up tired, crying, and feeling guilty because I feel I did not do enough; second guessing my caregiving ability. Grief hits again. Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel guilty! It is true: I am glad that my role as caregiver is over with. That also makes me feel guilty!

My father had live in caregivers and day shift caregivers. I lived only 2 hours away and called 3 to 4 times a day to coordinate schedules, see how he was doing, etc. As I left work every day, the care givers would have him up from his nap and ready to talk to me on the phone. I spent all holidays there and was the main caregiver during those weeks. (Had summer off and spent 2 to 3 months there.)

I know the guilt is all part of the grieving process but is so tiring. I retired right before his massive stroke (disability retirement). God has not given me something that I cannot bear. If I was having to work, I don't know if I could have dealt with his last strokes, the hospice period, his death, and settling his estate.

Stopping the role of an active caregiver is so hard - being responsible for the daily, even hourly needs of someone. Praying as you rush to the hospital becomes part of your life.

An algebra lesson on variables popped into my head this week. Definition of a variable: (1). a quantity that can change or vary, taking on different values (2). a letter or symbol representing a varying quantity. So my daily equation lately has been:

1 part Guilt + 1 part Grief = G2G (Go 2 God)The dreams and feelings that are overwhelming me at times about my father are 1 part guilt + 1 part grief. Part of my guilt is weight related. I would set myself weightoss goals to please my father and then I would fail again and again. I have learned that changing yourself to please someone else does not work. With this blog I hope to study emotions and find out what works and what God's will is for me each day.

During these days of confusion brought on by guilt and grief my prayer is to be drawn closer to God - and my mantra is just to take it one step at a time and to breathe...

Lord God, please help me to know what to do with this overwhelming grief and guilt. You are in control and I cannot deal with all the emotions that are swarming around me. I have taken a path toward healing when it comes to my eating compulsions. Please help me to continue that process. I realize that my healing is not happening in a void - that I must learn to live with my life, the death of my Dad, and my past abuse. Lord take control of all of this today. In my Redeemer's name, I pray. Amen.