Pit of Disrepair

A dark pit of failure. Starting the day with plans to eat healthy, follow the program and continuing to loose weight ~ then going out into the world, getting beat up, and coming back home and eating. Stuffing the anger and confusion, the need to fit in, - stuffing it with food. Sounds familiar? You bet!! The good thing is - it is happening less and less. Because I am journaling, I am more aware of the triggars. This blog is a place I visit often - not just to post and write down how God helped me on a particular day, but I come back and listen to the songs, read the scriptures again. Any victory comes from the Lord.

"When people's steps follow the Lord,
God is pleased with their ways.
²⁴ If they stumble, they will not fall,
because the Lord holds their hand.." Psalm37:23-24

I read this passage and sometimes it doesn't help - I am still confused. I feel like I am in a tail spin - ready to hit bottom - hit it hard. That is what my feelings shout out with every emotional ache of failure. Today, I have to just believe with my mind, my soul - and hope the feelings will change. The Philippians 4 formula usually works and conquers my emotions. "Think on these things....". So this week - today, I will read passages that hold positive promises. Even though I don't feel the Lord's hand holding me - I will envision it there, think about how He showed His love to me thousands of times. I will hold on to God's promises.

Lord God Almighty, I am falling again into failure. Lord, so many controlling, abusive people poured evil thoughts into my mind for decades. All the voices from the past are shouting like loud winds, "You are worthless, you are broken and can't be repaired, you fail at everything, the Body is evil - and you can't control it without our help! God can help but, be practical, listen to us - we know you better." Lord, only Your presence helped me survive the lies and abuse. You held my mind in a secret place, helped me distance myself from the abuse - so that I could survive and learn to live again. Lord, I am hopeless at living a "normal" life. I don't know what to say to people and when I do try to engage in "small talk", I have little to relate to. How much time can someone spend talking about the weather? Lord, guide me in this "maturing" aspect of my life. Help me to know, really know you are with me everywhere. Help me remember that You can shout to the loud winds, "Be still!" and they obey Your commands. I need Your help, every step of my life. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Empty and Beautiful-Matt Maher (w/ Matt Chandler) from bball1989 on GodTube.


Lyrics to Empty And Beautiful :
My past won't stop haunting me --In this prison there's a fight between ---Who I am and who I used to be --- This thorn in my side is a grace --- For because of it the flesh and blood of God --- Was offered in my place, my place ---
Chorus: You fought the fight in me --- You chased me down and finished the race --- I was blind but now I see ---Jesus You kept the faith in me ---
Where did my best friends go? --- In my defense they disappeared --- Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord --- But You were there, You gave me strength --- So this little one might come to know --- The glory of Your name, Your name ---
Chorus: ........
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart --- A libation I'm pouring out --- Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ---
Chorus:.....
You kept the faith in me --- Jesus You kept the faith in meSavior, --- You kept the faith in me
My past won't stop haunting me --- In this prison there's a fight between --- Who I am and who I used to be --- This thorn in my side is a grace --- For because of it the flesh and blood of God --- Was offered in my place, my place ---
Chorus: ......
Where did my best friends go? --- In my defense they disappeared --- Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord --- But You were there, You gave me strength --- So this little one might come to know --- The glory of Your name, Your name ---
Chorus: ....
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart --- A libation I'm pouring out --- Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ---
Chorus: ....

Center Stage

Center Stage

I have been reading Ephesians. Paul was sitting in a Roman prison praying for God's people in the city of Ephesus:

^" I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.
I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms." Eph. 1:17-20

This prayer went out to the struggling christians in Asia Minor (now Turkey) and it also applies to me today. It is a prayer full of light and God's promises for me. Paul wants God to be center stage in my heart and he prays that the curtains of doubt be opened wide, the flood light be focused on the glory of God, so that I can have confident hope! With this knowledge and truth comes understanding of just how great the power of God is. This scripture always gives me a "light bulb" moment!

Well, today, once again this scripture helps me, inspires me, and reminds me of God's promise for my life. In Phil. 1:6, I am reminded that:
"...God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

I might not feel as if any good can come from my past life. I might not feel like I will ever, ever be whole and healthy. I might not understand, minute by minute, how God will make my life complete. But I have faith in God's power to conquer death and I have faith in His power to change my life. Do I always feel empowered? No, not always. The scriptures help me to open the curtains when things are dark and the words of truth shine the flood lights on Christ - not on me.
"Seek the Kingdom of God
above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Mathew 6:33
So much of my past is coming forward to block my eyes, my mind, my heart from God's glory and His help in my life today. It has been three months since my lapband surgery. I am off of insulin and all my blood pressure medications! In so many ways I am being set free from darkness but I still need to uncover more to see things clearly and to put every part of my life and path into the bright glory of the Lord's light.
"...the Lord's Spirit sets us free. So our faces are not covered. They show the bright glory of the Lord, as the Lord's Spirit makes us more and more like our glorious Lord." 2 Cor. 3:17-18
So with the Lord's help I will continue to eat right, eat healthy. Keeping a diet log, or diet journal sheds light on my daily path. Nothing is hidden from God, not even the food that I eat in the night. There is also no shame in the illuminated path toward the bright glorious body the Lord has ready for me. I might not get there on earth but that glory is around the corner. I have a promise that I will begin to "mirror" that glory, more and more each day while I am here on this earth. I hold onto that thought and that hope as I continue on my journey and quest for healthy living and eating.

Lord, once again I come to you, drawn by the light of Your words and promises. Thank you for all that you are showing me about my life and my past. It is not easy to shine the light on my shameful habits and past mistakes. My body is evidence of the dark days and the stretch marks tell a tale of diets started and stopped, and they are a testimony of my life of despair without you. Thank you for the hope that I now have in You. Keep my eyes on Your glory. In Christ's name I pray pleading, Amen.
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Francis Chan - Balance Beam from jaminsermons on GodTube.