100% Cloud Cover

100% Cloud Cover

Today, once again, I search for the right path, the correct way to behave, the right thing to say. I used to spend so much time thinking about food, dreaming about food, numbing out with food.... There has been more time to be "real" now, more time. That thought scared me to death and the reality of my life became too much to bear. I stopped writing on this blog. I became out of control again with eating candy but thankfully did not gain weight. My A1C level went up and that scared me. Compulsive eating was taking over and thoughts of food ruled my mind. 
 I remembered that the Israelites were slaves and then had freedom. What did they do when they had the whole world ahead of them and freedom waiting to be grasp? They wanted to go back into the "security" of slavery. So God gave them something to do. They gathered manna, they got organized, and then they built a place for the presence of God - a place for God to dwell while He was with them.

"Then the cloud covered the Meeting Tent, and the glory of the Lord filled the Holy Tent..... When the cloud rose from the Holy Tent, the Israelites would begin to travel,³⁷ but as long as the cloud stayed on the Holy Tent, they did not travel. They stayed in that place until the cloud rose. ³⁸ So the cloud of the Lord was over the Holy Tent during the day, and there was a fire in the cloud at night. So all the Israelites could see the cloud while they traveled." Exodus 40:24-38

With God as their guide there was no doubt about which path to take or where they would go. They simple had to follow. He was not distant, but an ever-present guide and companion. Their job was to exercise their faith, be patient, and be ready to follow when the cloud lifted. I need to remember that God is the same as yesterday. He has given me His Holy Spirit to guide me on this journey - this new life of freedom and choices. He asks me to trust Him and have faith.

I have had information about Overeater's Anonymous squirreled away for a few years. God has put the thought in my mind lately that I need to find a "tribe" or family of people that share the same problem, acknowledge that they can't "diet" away the pain, and that can share the journey with me.  

Lord God Almighty, help me to willingly wait for Your timing and to be ready to go at Your command. Lord, help me to hold up Your Son's life as a mirror, as a map. Give me strength for the journey and let Your words be the food that gives me strength each day. Just like the Israelites brought idols with them - hidden away, I have my addiction to food and the voices from abusers ringing in my ears. The addiction to food slows me down and blocks me from seeing You and the voices from my past lie and spread anger and hate. Help me to be truly free of these things and to look only at Your holy presence. Lord, I have been alone for so much of this journey. Please help me find the right "tribe" or group to travel with out of the wilderness of compulsive overeating.  Lord, I can never thank you enough for sending Your Son as a sacrifice, so the veil could be torn and I could freely come, cleansed and forgiven into Your Holy presence. You are worthy to be praised! In Jesus - the High Priest's name, in Christ - my Redeemer's name ~ I plead for Your daily guidance, Amen.

Stand Strong

Stand Strong

The Egyptians were about to overtake the fleeing Isaelites. They were panicing. They cried out to God. "Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? ¹² Didn’t we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, ‘Leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It’s better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!’” Exodus 14

This scripture and story really speaks to me tonight. The Lord has led me on such a wonderful exodus leading away from slavery and toward a new healthy life. However, there are times during the day that I feel like a walking corpse. I am so used to being a slave to my food addiction, to numbing out the pain by eating those foods that pacify my fears ~ even for a short time. So I have taken steps away from that old life and I am doing very well with eating the right foods. I am eating healthier than I have my whole life! Why do I still feel like a corpse walking through a place that is strange and desolate to me? I find myself wanting to go back to what is familiar and safe. The urge to get in the car and drive to Sonic or Braums is overwhelming. I feel like a battle is raging as the cravings continue to beat down my resolve. Like the Israelites I need a reminder:

“Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. ¹⁴ The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

What does this have to do with me today? I am reminded that fear of new things is just a human condition; that I am not alone. Also, if I will stand still and stand strong, the Lord will rescue me. I just have to look toward His direction to find the way through the battle. Another promise that I see in these verses: God will fight for me if I just stay calm. So I will continue forward, one step at a time, one diet journal entry at a time. I will try not to beat myself up when I feel overwhelmed by temptations.

I will try to remember to: "Just stay calm"

Dear Lord,

Please help me on my path toward healing. My need for comfort food is overwhelming tonight. Please help me to stand strong and stay calm. Please take over this battle that is waging in my mind and body. Lord, I desperately need you to fight for me tonight. Rescue me from petty worries and concerns. Thank you for the glory of your salvation and grace. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

On Eagle's Wings

On Eagle's Wings

I realize that some days I will not be able to write a blog entry. The diet I am on for post lapband surgery is really the best for me. Like I have said before - I prayed about what to do. I have been fighting an infection near the port site (where the portal that the needle goes in to inflate or deflate the lapband is placed). This port is sewn to a muscle under my left breast. I have been on pain meds, antibiotics, etc. The last two days have sent my blood sugar on a roller coaster ride. I stayed in bed most of one day but tried to eat and stay on the program. I carefully monitored my blood sugar levels. Could it be that my body is getting used to less carbs? I am not used to eating so much and so slowly (lots of veggies). Could this be the problem?

As I napped and read, the thought of "eagles wings" kept coming to mind. I need to be "raised up on eagle's wings" every day ~ held in the palm of God's hands.

Lord Almighty, hold me up and help me from plunging into deep depression today. I want to live a new, healthy life with You. Please guide me as I go through these feelings that are brought to mind when food is the issue and when the past scars keep past hurts walled up. Set me free so that I might be of service to You, so that I can open my arms wide and love others. I know Lord that my path lies to the foot of the cross and salvation comes from Jesus and his sacrificial offering for my sins, my past, and my disfunctional life. It is through His name I pray this prayer today, Amen.