Unbearable Vastness

Unbearable Lightness of Being

John 12:46: "I am Light that has come into the world so that all who believe in me won't have to stay any longer in the dark." It has been said that darkness conceals reality but lightness exposes it.

I went to my first OA meeting and so much of what was said did not sink in. Someone was sharing their journey and insights and said that they realized that it wasn't that she just had a problem with food and eating but she had a problem with "living".
That really hit home to me. The new reality/ truth for me has been - that getting up in the morning, breathing in and out, - all of it - I am unequipped to do! My past life was dark and filled with pain, fear, and despair. Now that I have had lap band surgery and lost weight, now that I HAVE to eat slowly or I get sick, I am finding that exposing my life to "reality" or living each moment "real" is painful, exhausting work! I find myself needing to numb the pain with eating and when that does not work - eating again - soft foods like Reese's go easily past the lap band. The true reality is that there is no hope, no life in the darkness of my old habits. The only hope I have is through Jesus, the light of the world.

Psalm 80's refrain: "Restore us, O God of hosts; let your face shine, that we may be saved!"

Jesus was the Light of the world and I can't move forward and conquer my old life of sin, of over eating and pain - I can't do it without Jesus lighting the way.

John 1:4-5: "The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone.⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it."

C.S. Lewis wrote an allegory ~ The Great Divorce. It is about the choices people make which ultimately mean heaven or hell. "Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows." The person that was asked this question in the book wanted "assurances or guarantees". As the journey led to the mountain, the blades of grass were so beautiful that they were sharp like shards of glass, the sound of singing was so beautiful that it hurt the ears of those that were not used to it. Others ghosts wanted to go back to a dark, "safe" place where the painful light and sounds were muted. They had a choice of spending eternity praising God and basking in the glorious light or going back to the "controlled" sinful habits that they were used to. Some actually said, "Who wants to be rescued?" They did not desire it if it meant leaving their lives behind. One artist asked where all the distinguised people were. The answer was:"Don't you understand? The Glory flows into everyone, and back from everyone: like light and mirrors.

But the Light's the important thing."
It is so hard not to fall back or run back into my "safe", numb life of compulsive eating. Certain foods were my best friends throughout my painful life. I am praying that I can find a new life, friends with common struggles, and common goals at OA (Overeaters Anonymous).


Lord, illuminate my life with your unquenchable love and hope. Help me to focus on your light because all darkness and fear flees when your light shines on my heart. Lord, it seems that you have put in my heart and mind the need for life with other's sharing common problems and goals. Help me to be open to this program and to other's insights, struggles, journeys, and successes. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.