Pit of Disrepair

A dark pit of failure. Starting the day with plans to eat healthy, follow the program and continuing to loose weight ~ then going out into the world, getting beat up, and coming back home and eating. Stuffing the anger and confusion, the need to fit in, - stuffing it with food. Sounds familiar? You bet!! The good thing is - it is happening less and less. Because I am journaling, I am more aware of the triggars. This blog is a place I visit often - not just to post and write down how God helped me on a particular day, but I come back and listen to the songs, read the scriptures again. Any victory comes from the Lord.

"When people's steps follow the Lord,
God is pleased with their ways.
²⁴ If they stumble, they will not fall,
because the Lord holds their hand.." Psalm37:23-24

I read this passage and sometimes it doesn't help - I am still confused. I feel like I am in a tail spin - ready to hit bottom - hit it hard. That is what my feelings shout out with every emotional ache of failure. Today, I have to just believe with my mind, my soul - and hope the feelings will change. The Philippians 4 formula usually works and conquers my emotions. "Think on these things....". So this week - today, I will read passages that hold positive promises. Even though I don't feel the Lord's hand holding me - I will envision it there, think about how He showed His love to me thousands of times. I will hold on to God's promises.

Lord God Almighty, I am falling again into failure. Lord, so many controlling, abusive people poured evil thoughts into my mind for decades. All the voices from the past are shouting like loud winds, "You are worthless, you are broken and can't be repaired, you fail at everything, the Body is evil - and you can't control it without our help! God can help but, be practical, listen to us - we know you better." Lord, only Your presence helped me survive the lies and abuse. You held my mind in a secret place, helped me distance myself from the abuse - so that I could survive and learn to live again. Lord, I am hopeless at living a "normal" life. I don't know what to say to people and when I do try to engage in "small talk", I have little to relate to. How much time can someone spend talking about the weather? Lord, guide me in this "maturing" aspect of my life. Help me to know, really know you are with me everywhere. Help me remember that You can shout to the loud winds, "Be still!" and they obey Your commands. I need Your help, every step of my life. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Empty and Beautiful-Matt Maher (w/ Matt Chandler) from bball1989 on GodTube.


Lyrics to Empty And Beautiful :
My past won't stop haunting me --In this prison there's a fight between ---Who I am and who I used to be --- This thorn in my side is a grace --- For because of it the flesh and blood of God --- Was offered in my place, my place ---
Chorus: You fought the fight in me --- You chased me down and finished the race --- I was blind but now I see ---Jesus You kept the faith in me ---
Where did my best friends go? --- In my defense they disappeared --- Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord --- But You were there, You gave me strength --- So this little one might come to know --- The glory of Your name, Your name ---
Chorus: ........
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart --- A libation I'm pouring out --- Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ---
Chorus:.....
You kept the faith in me --- Jesus You kept the faith in meSavior, --- You kept the faith in me
My past won't stop haunting me --- In this prison there's a fight between --- Who I am and who I used to be --- This thorn in my side is a grace --- For because of it the flesh and blood of God --- Was offered in my place, my place ---
Chorus: ......
Where did my best friends go? --- In my defense they disappeared --- Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord --- But You were there, You gave me strength --- So this little one might come to know --- The glory of Your name, Your name ---
Chorus: ....
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart --- A libation I'm pouring out --- Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ---
Chorus: ....