Bad Choices

Bad Choices

It has been one of those days again! I start praying and wanting to do the Lord's will, eat correctly and healthy but the need becomes overwhelming and I am drawn away from doing what I know is right. I tell myself, "It's OK to go to the grocery store. You really do need to buy a few things". But down underneath the "reasoning" is the real truth - I am hungry for something that will make me feel better or just "feel" or as it was today - not feel anything at all. I get to the store and I tell myself that I will just stay on the aisles that have healthy food - just get in and get out. But it never works and the rationalizing begins... "oh, it won't hurt to have just a little..."
Marie T. Freeman once said, "No matter how many books you read, no matter how many schools you attend, you're never really wise until you start making wise choices."

So once again I go to God's word... James 1:5 (above) gives me hope but verse James 1:6 says, "But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind". The Word cuts like a sharp sword - it gives me such hope and purpose but it also sends the light of truth straight through to my heart and soul. Each time it does this - each time the truth really catches me with its spotlight, I curl up in a ball in bed and cry (if I could fall to my knees I would). The light shines on my sea-sick soul today because this addiction to food is killing me. I can't keep doing this! I am diabetic and I have to get this under control. Being obese is not helping my health at all! I am winning many more battles than before and each day I get stronger. I am losing weight but slowly. However, when I make a bad choice.... well...

So I come to God, seeking His forgiveness, seeking His wisdom and guidance... Yahweh - the only search engine I really need in life! "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you!" Matthew 6:33

Lord, I have failed you again. I am committing suicide little by little by eating unhealthy and giving into the "hunger" that becomes my every thought - until it is met. The gratification never lasts long and I am left washed up on the sharp rocks of failure and shame. Just like the disciples at Gethsemane, I have failed to stay alert and guard against temptation. I wanted to do what was right but I was weak and so stupid. Lord how can you put up with my constant failure! I can barely stand to be around me! Please Lord help me remember your love for me ~ when I am tempted again. Help me remember Christ's living, loving, and dieing for my sins. Help me remember the joy of my salvation, my baptism, and the good things that have been given to me. Help me choose wisely as I follow in the footsteps of your only begotten Son. Like him - let me think less of myself and more of others. Keep my hands, mind, and emotions busy in the service of my Lord and King. In His name I plead, Amen.

Changes

Changes

New medications, more tests, changing swimming pools, starting the next round of physical therapy, ... So many changes, so little energy!

Moving On by Mark Lopez; reading this poem - several phrases struck a cord in me because of what is happening around me this week. Lopez starts off mentioning the importance of not impeding the caterpillar on its way to becoming a butterfly. Then big change happens ... "A cocoon separates you from yourself." and this change, this morphing into something new ends with ..." an energetic disruption of things familiar....Tip your wings on gentle breeze, and soar the rising thermal of life anew."

I miss teaching the 5th grade. I will miss their youth, energy, and fresh ideas and outlook on life. You would think after all the changes I have experienced in my life that I would be used to it all. I was a military kid, then traveled and moved around on the mission field and then all around the states again. Now I live in a senior community and am blessed with a different point of view from wise, older neighbors.
 

I have prayed for help and for my future... change and growing is part of that process. Change just seems to be harder the older I get. Insecurity about health costs, high cost of living while trying to live on a fixed income. So as I seek to slow my anxious thoughts and pounding heart.... I go to the Word for guidance and comfort:

"So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures." James 1:16-17

"I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." Romans 8:38-39

"God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles,They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." Isaiah 40:28-31

 "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10
 

Lord help me to remember that You are with me and that whatever the future brings ~ You will be by my side. Forgive me when I am afraid or when I doubt your loving care for me. I am so unworthy of the matchless gift that you have given. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.